Expelled!

I've included the two photos above just as a reminder of what a sweet little boy my youngest son Peter can be. Peter's behavior has cause us a lot a grief lately, so I just wanted to post some photos that would make me think about all the joy he brings me. I especially like his smile in the Batman photo above. He was so happy that day. I really can't emphasize enough that NOTHING make a parent happier than seeing his/her child smile. When I think back on all the fun I've had in my life prior to having kids, I can honestly say that none of that fun compares to the feeling that I get watching my kids having fun. Nothing I accomplished in my life before having kids gave me anywhere near the feeling of accomplishment I get when I make my boys giggle. My kids bring me so much joy, and I've needed to keep think of that joy to get through the last few days.

On Monday morning Ruth called me at work. She was sobbing into to phone. She called me to let me know that Peter had been kicked of of his daycare center for bad behavior. She wasn't really crying because he was kicked out ( Peter getting kicked out of daycare certainly doesn't qualify as a tragedy. It's been inconvenient for us, because we've had to scramble to find new daycare options, but there is certainly much worse news you can get about your child. ) - she was crying because of what his recent behavior might imply about his development and future.

As you may already know from this post and this post, Peter can be a real handful at times. He's not really good at taking "no" for an answer. Actually, he gets insanely angry when you tell him no, and he'll physically fight you off if you try to get him to do something that he doesn't want to do. He is EXTREMELY strong-willed. He is more strong-willed than anyone I've ever met in my life. I keep telling myself that his strong will is going to serve him well in life someday, but that doesn't make things easier now.

I think his speech-delay is still a big part of the problem. His speaking has improved by leaps and bounds lately, but I still don't think he grasps the concept of cause and effect. You can scold him and punish him over and over again when he acts out inappropriately, but I don't think he has any comprehension of what he is being punished for. If you ask him why he is being punished, he won't be able to tell you ( even if you told him why 5 seconds earlier ), and he'll go right back to the inappropriate behavior at the next opportunity.

Actually, "opportunity" is the wrong word. It makes it sound like he's always looking for the opportunity to behave badly, and that really isn't the case. Most of the time, he wants to be good, and acts like a little angel. Few kids are bigger mama's boys than Peter. We put him in his own bed each night, but he still winds up being right next to Ruth in bed almost every morning. He's really attached to his Mom, and I don't think that any Mama's boy with a loving Mom could turn out that bad. The Paul Simon song below kind of sums up my feeling about that ...



Peter doesn't want to be bad, but he tends to react to conflict badly. I can't tell you how many times he's hit his brother Michael for inappropriate reasons. Once again, I think the speech delay has a lot to do with it, and recent events have made things worse in that regard. During the previous school year ( September 2008 to June 2009 ), Peter was getting full-day pre-school instruction for kids with special needs like Autism and speech delay. He made tremendous progress over that year. I really don't think we could have gotten him to accept potty training without the extensive help we got from the school.

This September, he started again in the full day pre-school classes ( He went to daycare at our local YMCA over the Summer. He had gone there prior to September of 2008, and all the caregivers there knew him well, so he was pretty happy there. ). However, in late September we were told that Peter needed to be re-evaluated because the school thought he had made good progress and didn't really qualify for one of the classes he was taking ( He's always had two different teachers in school, one in the morning and one in the afternoon. Actually, in the first few months at school ( starting in September 2008 ), he actually only went to pre-school for a half-day session in the morning ( then a bus would take him to YMCA daycare in the afternoon ). His morning teacher decided that he wasn't making enough progress, and the school decided to enroll him in an afternoon class as well. He didn't really start making great progress until he started to go to class all day ). We protested when were told Peter no longer qualified for his afternoon class, but as we found out later, there really wasn't much we could do. The public school system in our town had gotten a new Superintendent in September, and apparently that superintendent was trying to make budget cuts anywhere he could ( Considering the MASSIVE property taxes we pay to support the public school system in our town, it REALLY pisses me off that this new Superintendent is trying to nickle-and-dime us. ). This bozo decided to save money by skimping on the special needs kids. He decided that kids in Peter's situation were not going to be allowed to be in more than one program at a time ( The before lunch and after lunch classes are each considered to be a separate program ). So, I think Peter's recent problems really started when he was denied full-day pre-school classes in the public school system.

So, it was back to the YMCA daycare for Peter in early October ( Pre-school classes at the public school in the morning, and YMCA daycare in the afternoon ). We didn't really expect too many problems ( Peter has always loved the YMCA ), but a few weeks after he got back to the YMCA, we started to get reports that Peter was acting up really badly.

We got reports that he had hit other kids.
We got reports that he had hit his CAREGIVERS.
We got reports that he had BIT his caregivers.

( He didn't bite his caregivers in anger in an attempt to hurt them. He was giving them gentle little nibbles to get their attention ( Peter craves attention, especially from people he likes. ), Still - biting of any kind is very much inappropriate. )

So, while we were upset with the news we got on Monday, the writing had been on the wall for a few weeks. We've spent the last few weeks trying hard to correct his behavior, but he's actually been pretty good at home lately, and when we punished him at home for stuff he did at daycare, you could tell that he wasn't coming close to making the cause-and-effect relationship between the behavior at school and the punishment at home. It was also clear that the "punishment" he received at the YMCA wasn't helping much. Apparently, they would isolate him from the rest of the class when he acted up and send him to the office of the Director of daycare. The Director used to be one of Peter's caregivers. Peter REALLY likes her, so sending an attention-craving kid to the Director's office every time he acted up was probably just re-enforcing the bad behavior. Anyway, I'm sure the Director didn't really have time for Peter's frequent visits, and after enough hitting and biting ( especially hinting of other kids ), I guess she really had no choice to expel him.

So, that's where we are. The YMCA has given us a grace period of a few days, but we've got to decide on a new daycare center REAL soon. I'm sure we can get him into another daycare center, but Ruth and I are really worried that workers at any daycare center won't be able to handle Peter if he keeps acting up like this. We are really worried that he won't be getting the instruction he needs to get ready for Kindergarten next September.

The good news is that a lot of people REALLY love Peter and have offered to help. We are actually meeting with a very special person's in Peter's life tomorrow afternoon at our home. From the time he turned 2 up until he turned 3, Peter got speech therapy twice a week at home from speech/autism therapist named Kim. Kim also worked with Michael for a year when he was two years old, and she was eager to take on Peter's case when it was discovered that Peter would need speech therapy. Kim has really been a godsend to our family. We were really starting to lose hope with Michael until she started to figure out how to get Michael to come out of his shell. We invite her to all the birthday parties for the boys and she's really like a member of the family now. It will really be great to see her tomorrow, and hopefully she'll have some good ideas regarding Peter's situation.

Peter and Kim in a therapy session, March 2008:


Rich

The bane of my existence

As I noted in this post, I hate picking up all the "spikey balls" that fall from sugargum trees in my backyard each Winter. I just thought I'd give you an idea of how bad it gets. Please click on the pictures below to see them in maximum detail. The leaves have pretty much all fallen off the trees by now, so every little thing you see hanging from the trees is a "spikey ball". Eventually, I'm going to have to pick every one of those things up. I've got 5 trees like this in my backyard, as well as 5 more from another yard that have a significant amount of branches hanging over my yard.

And so it's come to this ...

I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor on December 9th. Yeah, things aint going too well with the foot/ankle ( See this post if you don't know what I'm talking about ).

A week ago ( on Nov. 11th ), I felt more than the usual pain in the ankle when I started to run on the treadmill. I probably should have stopped right then and there. I really probably should have. But ... but I was getting SO close. So close to running at the same speeds I was running 18 months ago before I injured my knee. I was so close to getting back my personal best time for my regular 2-mile run before I turned 40. All it would have taken was about two more months of intense training. Just two more months. I could do that that. Sure, my ankle hurt a little more each day and I was limping around a lot the morning after each run, but I was almost there. I could make it. Just two more more months. I would rest the ankle for a while after that, but I still had two months to go. So, I gritted my teeth, finished my 2 mile run, and didn't give it second thought ...

Until the next morning ...

CRAP

My ankle looked pretty f*cking big on the morning of Nov. 12th. I could walk on it and all, but pretty f*cking big. Even then, I was still holding out a little hope. I only run twice a week anyway ( 2 intense runs a week - my knees get really spongey if I run more than that ), and my next scheduled run was set for Sunday, November 15th. I was still planning to run again until the morning of the 15th, but my ankle was still really swollen on the 15th, so finally some common sense kicked in. Sure, it might give me great feeling of accomplishment to get back to my personal best running times before I turned 40, but would it really be worth the risk of potentially spending the rest of my life with a limp ( or God forbid, a CANE! ). So yeah, common sense kicked in. It was time to hang up my running shoes for a while and finally call a Doc.

Oh well, no personal bests by the time I reach 40. I guess if the Docs can fix what is wrong and I heal up okay, I could still try to reach my personal best at 41. Heck, that would be more impressive anyway. Of course, I might be told I need to give up running altogether - but I'm going to think positive for now.

Aging REALLY REALLY blows!

Rich

Swoon swoon

Keep working those glasses, Ms. Terkel!

Alphabet List

I got the idea for this post from Shweta, who got it from Jackie, who named her post "I Like This Thing Rachel Copied From Sami..". So, I'm not really sure who came up with this idea ( though, I guess if I'm going to give props to anyone, it should be Sami ( whoever she is ) ), but it seemed like it would be fun, so here goes ...

A-age: 39

B-bed size: king

C-chore you hate: I have a rather large backyard with a good number of trees. This is nice ( and quite beautiful in the fall - see this post ), but the trees happen to be sugargum trees. These trees drop MANY MANY thousand spikey balls ( about an inch in diameter on average - see photo below ) each winter, and I've got to pick them up put them in bags each spring. This really breaks my back every year. The basic tool I've been using to gather these things is a rake, but they don't respond that well to rakes. Because of the spikes they tend to stick to the ground, so I often need to rake over the same spot about ten times before I even get have of these spikey little balls to move. I often need to get down on my hands and knees to pick them up. As much as I hate this chore, I really have no choice. The spikes on these things can be rather sharp, and it seems like these things never rot ( When they have been there a few years, the spikes wear away a bit. You would think that would be a good thing, but having your yard full of really old sugargum balls is like having a yard full of marbles. It's really not safe to walk on those things. ). Worse yet, I need to stick them in brown paper bags that are 4 feet high and have an opening that is only about 1 foot square ( The county requires that you put them in these bags, or else they won't collect them ). Once I manage to get a bunch of these spikey balls in a pile, it's a real pain in the ass to transfer to contents of the file into to tiny openings on these bags ( especially when the wind is blowing ). I swear - I love trees, but if it was legal to cut these trees down, I'd be outside with a chainsaw in about an hour ( and the only reason it would take an hour is that I would have to go out and buy the chainsaw first ).


Hey, I just found this website when searching for the image above on Google. I'm seriously considering buying one of these things.

D-don't eat: I wouldn't want to eat whale, dolphin, or one of the great apes, but aside from that, I'll willing to put pretty much anything into my mouth. Not that I'd want to eat just anything on a regular basis - I do try to eat rather healthy. I'm still progressing towards being 99% vegetarian ( I don't have any moral problem with meat, but I think eating lots of meat is really bad for the planet, so I'm trying to reduce my meat consumption each year. I've gotten to the point where more than 70% of my lunches are vegetarian, and I plan to increase that percentage each year. ), and when I do it meat, it's usually something relatively healthy like chicken or fish. Still, I make exceptions, because I really have 3 modes of eating:

Everyday eating mode: This mode is for the meals I have on a regular basis, like the meals I have at home or the lunches I eat at work. I don't want to get into any bad eating habits ( For example, as much as I might love super greasy deep fried foods and rich desserts, eating that stuff every day would certainly lead me to an early grave. ), so I trying to keep the vast majority of really unhealthy foods out of my regular eating rotation.

Going out to eat with my family mode: I don't go out to eat every day, so when I do I like to expand my horizons a bit. These "out to eat" meals are where I eat most of my burgers and fries. Still, I don't always eat that kind of stuff when I'm out to eat. Last Saturday I was out to eat with Ruth and the kids ( at a place that had plenty of fried and greasy choices ), and I had a meal that consisted of crab cakes and broccoli.

Vacation mode: If I was on vacation 365 days a year ....
1) I'd weigh about 400 pounds.
2) The world's supply of sugar would be in danger.
3) The milk producing cows of the work would be bone dry ( CHEESE, ICE CREAM, PUDDING, ICE CREAM FLOATING IN A BOWL OF PUDDING COVERED IN CHEESE!!!! MMMMMMMMMM!!!!!! ).
4) I would cause so much global warming from my meat eating that we'd all be about 10 feet under water.
Yes, anything goes when I'm on vacation. F*ck it! I'm on vacation!

E-essential start-your-day item: I'm not emotionally attached to any of these things, but I certainly would start a day without soap, toothpaste and mouthwash. Oh, and if this question was supposed to be about coffee ...
1) I've been caffeine-free since 1998.
2) I'm wide awake within milliseconds after my alarm goes off.

F-favorite board game: Depends on the crowd. I've probably spent more time playing Strat-o-matic baseball than any other game, but that's really only an option if you are in a group of male baseball nerds. I've always thought that Trivial Pursuit was a fun co-ed game. You can really learn a lot about a couple by how they resolves disputes when they are on the same Trivial Pursuit team.

G-gold or silver: Not sure how to answer this question. I'm not a bling guy. The only piece of gold or silver I have ever worn ( or every will wear ) is my wedding ring. I'm going to have to go with gold, because is is worth way-more per once than silver ( Also, it's a damn good conductor! ).

H-height: 6 Feet, 1 inch.

I-instruments you've played: I can't really play any musical instrument. Yes I did play "the recorder" in school, because they kind of force you to do that, and I have enjoyed making up little melodies on keyboards/pianos from time to time, but both my attempts to learn how to play a musical instrument in a formal way ( guitar / piano ) ending with me quitting before I learned too much. It would have never worked. I have a good ear for music and all, but I have ZERO dexterity/flexibility in my fingers. I've never been able to to move my pinky finger at all with also moving my ring finger. Hell, I can't even touch type. All the fine blogging you've ever see on this site has been done using the hunt-and-peck method

J-job title: Software Developer

K-kids: Michael is 6 and Peter is 4.

L-living arrangements: House in Edison, New Jersey.

M-mom's name: My Mom passed away in 1996. Her name was June.

N-nicknames: Never had a nickname.

O-overnight hospital stay, other than birth: I was hospitalized for a bad asthma attack when I was four years old. I wrote about this experience at the beginning of this post.

P-pet peeve: I'm a pretty affable and agreeable fellow. There really isn't lot that makes me angry on any kind of consistent basis. It's not that I never get peeved about anything - it's just that I don't get peeved about anything consistently enough that I would call in a "pet peeve". There are a few things I could mention ( and I think I might have already answered one of these "pet peeve" type questions in another one of these multiple question blog posts ), but I'm in a good mood right now and I don't want to spoil it by dwelling on the negative.

Q-famous movie quote: "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try" - Yoda, from "The Empire Srikes Back".

R-rightie or leftie: Right-handed.

S-sibling(s): My brother Craig is 3.5 years younger than me.

T-time you wake up: 6:07 AM on work days. On weekends, I'll try to sleep past 8 AM, but my kids usually wake me up before then. Before I had kids, I used to sleep until at least 11 AM each weekend. Kids really change you.

U-underwear: This may be TMI, but I wear briefs. I'd give these reason why I go for briefs over boxer, but that would be REALLY TMI.

V-vegetable favorite: I eats LOTS of Chinese food, and my favorite vegetable with Chinese food is broccoli. However, broccoli can actually be quite boring if you find yourself eating it all by itself. My favorite vegetable as a stand-alone food would be corn-on-the-cob.

W-ways you run late: I don't do late. I'm the kinda guy who gets to places an hour early all the time because I build in a one-hour train-delay ( or a one hour traffic jam ) to my estimate of long it will take to get somewhere. Of course, 2 little kids can occasionally ruin your best laid-out plans. I'm still rarely late, but if I am, the answer to "way you run late" would be "kids".

X-x-rays you've had: Aside from the dental ones? Well, I'll save this story for another time ( Heck, I might have already told this story - I really don't remember ), but I was once in a cast for two months due to a basketball injury, and X-rays of my left foot were involved.

Y-yummy food you make: I'm no chef, but I can make a mean omelet when I want to.

Z-zoo favorite: I've always liked the monkeys, but the sea-lions are always really cool too.

Old Body

My left foot is killing me today.

Not that I'm surprised by that - it's something that I'm starting to get used to. My foot's been that way for about 4 or 5 months now. When it first started, it felt like a twisted ankle, but I couldn't actually remember twisting my ankle. Anyway, it didn't really bother me too much. Back in my teen years, when I was playing pickup basketball just about every day, I used to sprain my ankles rather frequently. I've dealt with severely sprained ankles in the past, and this just felt like a minor strain. The ankle pain I was feeling was the kind of thing that would usually go away in just a day or two.

But it didn't go away. It hasn't gone away. In fact, it seems like it's getting progressively worse over time. Not a lot worse - it's not like I'm in severe pain or anything - but it has started to get annoying.

As I said before, I don't really remember a single event that led to the pain. The pain just came out of nowhere one day, and it has just kinda lingered since then. With that in mind, it has occurred to me that this is some kind of repetitive stress injury. In other words, I'm getting old.

( Actually, I'm not even sure if "repetitive stress" is the right term. I think "repetitive stress" usually means something like Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. What I'm talking about is an injury you get from overuse, like Tennis Elbow, or knee injuries from running too much. I'm too tired to look up the proper term for that right now, so I'm just going to use the term "repetitive stress" in this post. )

I probably have some kind of slightly torn tendon/ligament , or some kind of small stress fracture in one of the bones in my foot ( The pain seems to be concentrated on the left side of my left foot, where the top of the foot meets the ankle ). Ruth ( my wife, who in case you forgot, is a doctor ) initially thought it was a stress fracture, but we are now both leaning towards the theory that it is a ligament/tendon thing. The pain is actually worst when I first wake up in the morning, or when I've been sitting for a long time without moving. The first step each morning was starting to get REALLY painful until Ruth told me to try moving my left foot/ankle around for about 15 seconds each morning before taking my fist step. This seems to cut down on the pain A LOT, so Ruth thinks it's probably some kind of tendon/ligament issue. She says the tendon/ligament probably contracts at night when I'm sleeping and becomes less flexible. This lack of flexibility leads to micro-tears in the tendon/ligament when I take those first steps, and probably does more damage to whatever happens to be damaged.

So yeah, I've got low flexibility in the foot, and probably some kind of tears in the tendons/ligaments related to the lack of flexibility. It would probably take an MRI to be absolutely sure ( and I doubt any doctor would recommend an expensive MRI for minor pain - and frankly I would feel like a real wuss if I demanded an MRI because of some minor ankle pain ), but the bottom line is ... I'M OLD.

But as I said, the pain's not that bad. Once I get the foot/ankle all warmed up, I don't really notice any pain at. In fact, I can run long distances on my treadmill without feeling pain. Yes, I can run to my heart's content - and that's probably at the root of the problem.

( Lots of running ) + OLD = Repetitive Stress Injury

Repetitive Stress Injury + Running = Worse Injury

However, it hard for me to stop running, because I believe ...

Body - Running = Out of Shape Body

Life + Running = Longer Life

Lungs + Asthma = Weak Lungs

Weak Lungs + Running = Strong Lungs

Weak Lungs + Swine Flu = Death

You get the idea. As a person born with asthma, having a strong lungs and a strong cardio-vascular system is very important to me. Running is a great way to keep my heart/lungs in tip-top shape. I really don't want to stop running, but it's becoming clear that all the running I'm doing is starting to contribute to my joints breaking down.

It's not just my ankle. I've had issues with my knees for as long as I can remember. Even in high school, they would occasionally swell up on me. It's not that I really get knee pain, but if I do too much running my knees get all spongey. I'm pretty sure "spongey" isn't a word, but what I mean is that if I run too frequently, my knees feel like they are made out a sponge-type material rather than something solid. It doesn't really hurt, but it can be rather disconcerting - you kinda feel like your knee might give way any second. Well, I'm probably overtstating things, it's not really that bad ( yet ) but I've always worried about how my knees would hold up as I got progressively older.

We'll about 17 months ago or so, my left knee almost did give out on the treadmill. Actually, it didn't come close to giving out, but it did start to feel rather funny. I probably should have stopped running immediately, but I stupidly tied to "suck it up", and ran at full speed for about 10 more minutes. As soon as I got off the treadmill, I knew I had made a mistake. My knee just wasn't working right, and I realized that I was going to have to quit my running routine for a while. About 2 months past before I decided to to try running again. My knee still didn't feel quite right by then, so I started running significantly slower than I had before, vowing to eventually work my way back to my pre-injury speed. I'm almost all the way back to peak form ( I'm hoping to match my personal best time for 2 miles by the time I turn 40 on January 15th ), and my knee feels reasonably fine ( though who knows how it will respond when I start running at full speed again ), but now I've got this issue with my ankle. About 6 weeks ago, I took 3 weeks off from running to see if my ankle would heal, but if anything, it felt worse after those 3 weeks. So eventually I said "Screw it! I'm just going to deal with the pain and start running again. January 15th is right around the corner, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to meet my fitness goal!".

The point of all this blabbering of mine is to try and express how conflicted I feel. I've figured out by now that running is both very good for me ( My heart, lungs, general fitness, etc. ) and very bad for me ( my OLD joints ), and I'm not sure where I should go from here. I know there are non-impact ways to get good cardio-vsacular workouts, but I don't really enjoy doing the non-impact stuff, and if I don't enjoy doing something, I'm not going to be motivated enough to do it. I really can't see myself quiting running anytime soon. If that means my joints break down, so be it, but I really can't see myself quiting now.

What I worry about is that I'll someday be a 70-year old man who has the heart and lungs of a 30-year old, but has the joints of a 100-year old. That would be rather ironic. There I would be limping around all the time after a life of working out hard, while some 70-year old dude who spent his life eating chips while watching TV would be able to walk around without a problem.

Things are kinda like that for me now, to a certain extent. Thanks to my intense workouts, I can do athletics things that most guys pushing 40 couldn't dream of doing. However, I'll occassionaly walk around with a slight limp, and my knees tend to make cracking noises whenever I move them. However, if I need to ( for example if I'm several locks from the train station and my train is going to leave in a few minutes ), I can break into a sprint that would put most 20-year-olds to shame. However, after that, I'll go right back to being an almost 40-year-old limping guy.

Yeah, so all this exercise make me feel both young and OLD. Actually more OLD. Each ache and pain reminds me of my mortality. I'll probably never lose the desire to work out hard, but ultimately, my body WILL betray me. Eventually, my joints WILL break down. Still, I'd rather go out fighting than slowly let my body go soft while eating chips and watching TV. I'm just going to keep on running and enjoy the ride for as log as I can.

Rich

Election Day self-promotion

Tomorrow ( November 3rd ) is Election Day in the USA, so I'll be getting up at about 5:30 AM tomorrow so I can be one of the first people to vote ( The polls open at 6:00, and I've got to get back to my house with the minivan by about 6:24 in order to get to catch the 6:40 train to work. I walk to the train station each day and leave the minivan at home with Ruth and the kids. If the polling place was on the way to work, I'd just walk the the polling place and then to work, but the polling place is in the opposite direction from the train station. The only way I can vote in the morning and still make it to the train station on time is if I avoid all lines by being one of the first people to vote ( Actually, last year I made it back to the house by 6:17 AM after voting, so I guess I do have a little time to spare, but for all I know there could be a 10 minute line at the polling place if I get there at 6:05 rather than at 5:55 ). I need to vote in the mornings because the polls close at 8 PM. I get home 6:45 PM on my best days ( if I catch the 5:54 train home and there is no train delay ) and usually not much after 7 PM on most days ( I seem to be getting the 6:11 train home a lot these days ), but if there are a lot of issues at work, I could easily get home past 8 PM. I'm very big on making sure I do my civic duty, so I always try to vote early on Election Day. Every vote really matters this year. There are no national elections in the USA in odd-numbered years ( Except for an occasion special election when somebody vacates his/her office before his/her term is over. There is one congressional election like that this year, but it's in upstate New York ), but the Governor's seat in New Jersey is up for grabs this year, and it's supposed to be a really close race.

Anyway, considering that voting is the theme of the day, I figured I'd post the clip of my "Vote" Madonna parody below. Most of you have probably already seen it, but a little self-promotion never hurt. ;)

Funerals

There was a death in my family this week.

Before you start offering your condolences, consider the following:

1) The deceased ( my Great Aunt Elsie - younger sister of my maternal grandmother ) would have been 92 in about a month.
2) She's been going progressively senile* over the last few years. She spent the last 9 months or so in a nursing home, and frankly, she could barely recognize anyone anymore.
3) With number 2 above in mind, I though it was actually a blessing that she passed away.

( * - I'm not even sure if "senile" is a PC term anymore, but it just seems more to the point to say "senile" than to say something like "suffering from Alzheimer's disease". I don't think it's disrespectful or demeaning to say "senile". Senility is what it is, and there is no need to sugar coat it. Heck, considering that I've always looked and felt young for my age in a physical sense, it's probably inevitable that my mind will give out before my body does. If and when that happens, I hope my grandkids can just say "Gramps has gone senile", without feeling the need to get all clinical about it. )

Also, I've gotten pretty philosophical about death over the years. I accepted a long time ago that I'll probably see most of my significantly older relatives die during my lifetime. My maternal grandmother passed away in 1980, my paternal grandmother passed away in 1983, my maternal grandfather passed away in 1990, my paternal grandfather passed away in 1993, and my mother passed away in 1996. So, by the time I was 26, I only had one living direct ancestor ( my Dad ).

So death really doesn't bother my much. I love my old relatives and all, but I've already accepted that a day will come when they will not be around.

Death is natural. Regardless of our religious beliefs ( or lack thereof ) and belief in an afterlife ( or lack thereof ), I think we all need to accept that nobody lives forever on this Earth. Everyone passes from this Earth, and we need to be ready to accept that.

So, with that in mind, I hope I don't seem really insensitive to you when I tell you that when I got the news that my Aunt Elsie passed away on Thursday night, my only response was "Well, it's for the best". It really was for the best. Two of my Aunts from my Mom's generation and my Aunt Elsie's younger brother and sister ( all of whom live in the same retirement community ( the community my Aunt Elsie lived in before sent was put in the nursing home ) ) had been spending a lot of time visiting the nursing home. I think they all felt kinda guilty for putting Aunt Elsie in the nursing home, even though it probably was the best thing to do at that point in Aunt Elsie's life. Considering my Aunt Elsie's advancing senility, I doubt that either she or her relatives were getting much out of the nursing home visits. The visits were just making everyone feel guilty and sad. I think it is for the best that she finally passed on.

Anwway, my Aunt Elsie's funeral is on Monday and her wake is on Sunday ( I'm writing this before going to bed on Saturday night - it's actually 12:19 AM on Sunday as a type this ). Working is too crazy right now for me to even think about taking Monday off on short notice.

OK, that last sentence is a lie. Work is crazy right now, but if I had to take time off to do something I considered really important ( like something for my wife and kids ), I wouldn't hesitate taking a day off. In truth, my busy work schedule is just a convenient excuse for me to skip the funeral.

It's not that I get sad at funerals ( I didn't even shed a tear at my Mom's funeral ) - it's just that I don't believe in funerals. I don't believe in them at all. I honestly think they are a waste of time. If it was socially acceptable at all, I would never go to another funeral for my entire life ( including my own - I've decided to specify in my will that my body should be donated to science when I die. That way, my remains will be put to use for a noble cause ( training medical students ) and my kids won't have to deal with funeral arrangements or waste their valuable time by visiting my buried rotting corpse someday. ).

Yeah, I know, while anyone with half a brain will tell you that funerals really don't benefit the deceased ( If there's no afterlife, the deceased won't know and won't care about what is going on at a funeral, and if there is an afterlife, no just God is going to the let the quality of a funeral determine how a soul will spend his/her afterlife. Yeah, I know some religions ( including mine ) require a certain kind of funeral, but if you really think your God cares about this kind of stuff, then you must think your God is petty bastard. No just God is going to keep somebody out of heaven because that person didn't have the proper funeral ), most people will tell you that funerals exist to comfort the close relatives of the deceased.

REALLY?

I was only peripherally involved in my Mom's funeral arrangements, and let me tell you, I didn't find any comfort in it. Arranging a funeral is a real pain in the ass. Perhaps I'm wrong about this, but I think the last thing most people want to do after a loved one dies is a bunch of arrangements that keep acutely reminding you that your loved one certainly is dead, and that you are responsible for what happens with your loved one's body.

Yeah, everbody greets you at the wake and funeral and says stuff like "I'm sorry for your loss" of "He/She was such a wonderful person", but what would we expect them to say? They are certainly not going to say something like "Good riddance, I'm glad that bastard is dead!". I really feel like everybody is just going through the motions at a funeral. I'm not saying that people are being insincere - most people really are sorry for your loss, and most people really do think the person who died was a wonderful person. It's just that everything that is said, sincere or not, seems to be part of an elaborate routine that is the same at every single funeral. I don't need my friends to tell me that they are sorry for my loss. I know my friends are sorry for my loss. If my friends were not sorry for my loss, these people would not be my friends.

I dunno, I'm just not a funeral person. I hope people don't think I'm some kind of insensitive bastard, but I just don't see that point. Sure, some people do need a lot of consoling when a person they love dies - but I think all the consoling could be done without are the pomp and circumstance of a wake and funeral. I actually think a funeral can get in the way of the consoling. I person needs to be consoled after a loved one dies, I think the most effectively way to do that would be to have everyone gather to talk about deceased in an informal way, and I think that should only be done when the relatives of the deceased are ready to talk. Perhaps some people who lose a loved one will want to wait weeks or months before talking about the deceased. Perhaps some people won't want to talk about the deceased at all. People deal with grief in different ways. I think it's wrong that society forces many of use to spend an afternoon in a room with our loved one's corpse just a day or so after our loved one dies. Not everybody finds that particularly comforting.

So yeah, no funeral for me on Monday, and I'm not really happy about having to go to the wake tomorrow. Sure, I'll go, but it's an hour-and-a-half drive each way, and I was really looking forward to spending a relaxing Sunday afternoon with kids this weekend. Work is really wearing me out and I really needed that mental break ( and physical break - I think I'm coming down with a cold ).

Yeah, I'm definitely donating my body to science - I don't want to put anyone else through this crap.

Rich