Parenthood

This post is going to be a direct response to this post by Shweta.

OK, I obviously wasn't there, but I've got a strong suspicion that you are being WAY too hard on this mom. First of all, I don't know why you would think that ...

use of pacifier = really lame way to tend to her kid

Now, I'm not saying this as a parent who worshiped at the alter of the pacifier. I'm well versed in both the pros and cons of pacifiers. I actually think a parent is probably better off not using a pacifier. We used a pacifier with Michael, but decided not to use a pacifier with Peter. By the time Peter was born, we realized just how tough it was going to be to ween Michael off the pacifier. Michael had to quit the pacifier cold turkey because we were told by his doctors that the pacifier could be contributing to his speech delay. Michael threw tantrums almost continually for two weeks after we took his pacifier away ( He would cry until he was exhausted, fall asleep, and then wake up and start crying again ). It was a really traumatic experience for us, so it was an easy decision to never introduce a pacifier to Peter ( We weened Michael off the pacifier when Peter was about 6 month old - thankfully we had not introduced Peter to a pacifier by then ).

OK, I know what was a long tangent. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm probably a "no pacifier" person these days. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with pacifiers. Sucking on stuff certainly does comfort babies. The need to suck stuff is really an instinct that all babies have. We were careful to make sure that Peter didn't get attached to a single object like a pacifier, but we really couldn't do anything about that sucking instinct. While Peter didn't have a pacifier to suck on, he certainly sucked on anything he could get his hands on ( to this day, we still find him chewing on his shirts.) .

I guess that point I'm trying to make is that putting a pacifier in a baby's mouth is not an example of lazy parenting. It's not an example of a parent taking the easy way out rather than giving a baby what he/she wants and needs. Quite often, the pacifier is exactly what the baby wants. Also, it's not as if the mom has much of a choice. There are only so many ways you can calm down a crying baby. Most of those ways require giving the baby quite a bit of one-on-one attention. I assume you felt the mom should have been giving the baby more one-on-one attention, but considering what was going on with her son, that wasn't really an option at the time.

Taking care of two kids ( without help ) in a public setting can be a scary thing for a parent, especially when one ( or both ) of them are mobile. When the Mom saw Jayden running up and down the aisle, I don't think she was thinking ...

"I hope people don't think that I'm a bad parent."

OR

"How can I discipline Jayden with making people think that I'm an abusive parent?"
What she was probably thinking was ...

"OMG, I hope I don't loose sight of Jayden on this crowded bus. I hope somebody doesn't snatch him at the next bus stop and run off with him."

In today's world, all parents live in fear of their children being kidnapped. I'm sure the mom wasn't too concerned about Jayden acting disrespectful and making her look bad. Her primary concern was probably his safety. With that in mind, she really needed to watch Jayden like a hawk when he was running up and down the aisle. She probably felt that she couldn't afford to give the bady more attention. Besides, if the pacifier calmed the baby down, then the pacifier was exactly what the baby wanted/needed. Of course, I could be wrong about all this. I guess it's possible that this mother is simply lazy and doesn't give her kids enough attention. However, without knowing all the facts, I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of "the benefit of the doubt", it's hard to pass judgment on the mom's handling of Jayden without knowing more about Jayden. For all we know, Jayden could have PDD, Tourette's syndrome, or some other developmental disorder. Both of my children have forms of PDD, which means that getting them to behave "normal" can be exceedingly difficult at times. In fact, "normal" behavior is never really entirely possible, because kids with PDD have brains that are wired differently than "typical" kids. My boys are wonderful in so many ways, but they can be a handful at times, and I'm sure that a lot of folks who see me in public with my kids jump to the conclusion that I'm "not raising them the right way". Of course, I don't know if that's the case with Jayden, but based on my personal experience, I always give the parents the benefit of the doubt when I see a misbehaving kid.

All that being said, let's assume for a moment that Jayden is a "typical" kid without any development disorders. Does his disrespectful behavior reflect badly on his mom? Well, before tackling that question, let me first address what you had to say about Asian kids. I wouldn't call what you said "racist", but I would call it ( let me just make up a word here ) culturalist. You are clearly not saying that there are any kind of genetics-based behavioral differences between Asian kids and non-Asian kids, but I think you are implying that Asian kids are much less likely to be disrespectful, because many Asian cultures ( and Asian parents ) stress respect for elders more so than most non-Asian cultures. If that's what you are saying, I can certainly see where you are coming from. Of course, there is no single homogeneous Asian culture, but between my friends and extended family, I've certainly seen enough of the parent/child dynamic in Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Indian/Vietnamese families to come to the conclusion that the parent/child dynamic is often very different in Asian families than it is in non-Asian families. Of course, while some of that has to do with the culture of the country people can trace their roots to, I think a lot of it also has to do with the immigrant experience. Most of my Asian friends are either immigrants or the children of immigrants. Back in high school, more than half of my non-Asian friends were also immigrants or the children of immigrants. Based on my experience with Asian/non-Asian/immigrant/non-immigrant families I actually think that the immigrant-factor correlates a lot better with respect-for-parents than race does . Respect for parents seem to be an "old country" value regardless of where the "old country" is, and those "old country" values seem to fade with each passing generation.

OK, let's get back to Jayden and his lack of respect. I don't know how old Jayden is, but before we pass judgment on his mom, I think we need to ask a few questions. Is Jayden old enough to understand why being respectful is a good thing? Is he old enough to have a sense of empathy? Does he understand that other people have feelings too, and that when he behaves badly, he can hurt the ones he loves ( like his mom ). If Jayden is actually capable of understanding such things, I would say that his Mom has done a bad job instilling the right values in him. However, if a kid is not old enough to understand why being respectful is important, I don't think we should give a parent too much credit if they've managed to make their kids obedient little robots. I actually don't think that the ability to make a pre-school child obedient and respectful is a always a sign of good parenting. I actually think it can sometimes be a sign of bad parenting if the parent is using strict discipline to get the child to behave respectfully.

In order to explain what I mean, I'll have to review my theory of parenting a bit. My theory of parenting is really based on the way my parents tried to raise me and the effect it had on me. I have a pretty good memory of what they tried to do, and I remember what worked and what didn't work. My Mom and Dad had very different parenting styles. My Dad had a rather typical parenting style that never really clicked with me. Thankfully, my Mom ( who was a stay-at-home mom ) spent a lot more time raising me than my Dad. I found my Mom's parenting style to be much more effective than my Dad's. Her parenting style made me the person I am today, and I'm raising my kids based on the way she raised me. Now, I love my Dad and all, but we don't see eye-to-eye when it come to raising kids. He ( and his girlfriend ( who shares a lot of his beliefs about parenting) ) have often been critical of the way I've been raising Michael and Peter. When he does this, I really want to tell him ...

1) It's none of your business how I raise my kids.
2) Your parenting methods weren't that effective with me. Most of the stuff you told me went in one ear and out the other. I'm glad that you're proud that I've been a good, dutiful, successful, and respectful son, but don't pat yourself on the back too much. I'm the person I am today because of Mom. Her parenting methods worked and yours really didn't. I'm raising my kids based on the way Mom raised me, and nothing you tell me is going to change that.
3) Oh, and PLEASE ask your girlfriend to keep her nose out of our lives. Also, ask her to stop implying that some of Craig's ( my brother's ) bad habits ( he's a really picky eater, and he rarely eats healthy foods like fruits and vegetables ) are the result of him being coddled too much as a child. She knows as well as you do that Mom primarily raised Craig and me, so when she says Craig was coddled, she's saying that Mom coddled Craig too much. Perhaps Mom made some mistakes raising us ( nobody's perfect ) , but your girlfriend is seriously crossing the line when she criticizes my Mom's parenting methods. I'm sure she wouldn't say that kind of stuff to my Mom's face if my Mom were still alive, so she shouldn't be able to get away with saying that stuff just because my Mom isn't around to defend herself.

However, I only see my Dad about twice a year ( and my Mom raised me to be both respectful and considerate of other people's feelings ), so I hold my tongue and don't say anything.

Geez, all that stuff above must really make me sound bitter. I guess should make it clear here that I don't really have a lot of problems with my Dad. There are just are couple of things that bother me and I really felt the need to vent.

Still, I REALLY REALLY hope he never reads what I wrote above. I guess the surest make to keep that from happening is to never post it ( Heck, I started this post on June 21st, and I writing this sentence on July 11th ), but I know he's not even aware of my blog. However, on the small chance that he ever does read this, I'd like to say the following to him:

( Dad, I sincerely hope you are not offended by some of the stuff I wrote above. I don't want you to think that I think you were a bad father. You weren't a perfect father ( and I wasn't a perfect son ), but I think that you were probably better than 95% of the Dad's out there. Mom may be my biggest roll model, but there are lot's of things I admire about you.
- You were completely dedicated to Mom, and that was never more clear than during the last 7 years of her life. You fought so hard to find the best possible medical care for her.
- You were always a good son to your parents. I still remember the long car rides we took about 10 time a year to visit your parents in Connecticut. I'm sure there were other ways you would have rather spent your free weekend days, but you always made sure your Mom and Dad got to see the grandkids.
- You've been a good brother to your older brother Art. I know you still call him every day, and you're really the only person in his life that really looks out for him ( Note: My uncle has had mental issues for most of his life ( probably the result of Asperger's Syndrome ), and now is in a nursing home ).
- You have more practical "Dad skills" than almost any Dad I know. I remember how you finished the basement in our home all by yourself ( He worked each weekend, and each night after coming home from work. He did the electrical wiring, the carpet, the ceiling, the walls - it really was an amazing job. ). I remember when the garage started to sag/tilt, and you fixed the problem by creating a brand new foundation for the garage ( He dug all around the garage ( inside and out), put up wood framing, and then poured cement into the molds he made with the framing. ). You were able to do pretty much anything that needed doing around the house. I don't even change my own oil.
- I admire the 6 years you served our country in the U.S. Air Force. I'm proud to have a Dad who served his country in that way.
- I admire how you built your career as a stockbroker without a college degree. You started your career on Wall Street with a only high school diploma, a year of college, your radio operator experience in the Ar Force, and some time spent as a postman, but you managed to eventually get your stockbroker's license and support your wife and two kids well ( and send Craig and me to top universities ). I was impressed with how you went to night classes to get your Certified Financial Planner license. I think you should be as proud of your CFP as you are of the degrees that Craig and I earned.

So, I'm not trying to say you were a bad father, Dad. I'm just saying that Mom was my biggest role model, rather than you. Considering how much you loved Mom, I would hope that you wouldn't be offended by that. Considering how much you told me "Your Mom was a saint" in the week after she died, I think you would be the first to admit that she was a better person than you. So, I hope you are not offended that I'm making it clear in this blog post that my parenting style is based on Mom's parenting style rather than yours. )

OK, that was a really long tangent. Let me try to get to my point. One of the things that bothers me is when my Dad criticizes me for not imposing enough discipline on my kids. Don't get me wrong - discipline has its place. There are times in life when you simply have to behave yourself even if you don't want to. There are times in life when you need to hold your tongue, even when you are dying to say something. I certainly don't want my kids growing up without any self-control, but it's important to me that they really grow up to have the self-control to do the right thing, even if nobody else is watching. I feel that too much harsh and/or arbitrary discipline really doesn't teach kids to do the right thing. What it teaches kids is, "I'd better not get caught doing the wrong thing". If a child's primary motivation for doing the right thing is to avoid punishment, that child is going to do the wrong thing whenever he/she feels he/she can get away with it. My kids could be the most well-behaved respectful children in the world. They could do well in school, and treat all authority figures with respect. They could do everything in public to honor their family name and to make me look like a good parent. However, if they ever do something dishonest ( cheat on an exam, cheat on their taxes, work-related white collar crime, cheat on their wife/girlfriend, etc. ) when nobody is watching, then I would have failed as a parent, even if they never get caught, and even if I never find out that they did something dishonest.

I really want my kids to grow up with a world-class conscience. I want my kinds to be good simply for the sake of being going - not because they want look good or please anybody ( even me ). I know that's a really high standard, and no person can be *that* perfect and pure, but it's a standard I want my kids to strive for. I care more about that than any public accolades my kids might get someday. I know from experience that lots of "model" kids are rotten to the core. I went to Stuyvesant High School ( Stuy ), the top public high school in New York City. Every single kid who got admitted to that school was a high-achiever, the kind of kid who made his/her parents proud. Now, plenty of people at Stuy were really nice folks. Some of my best friends went to Stuy. However there were A LOT of dishonest people there. There was a good deal of cheating going on at Stuy. I'm not saying that there was more cheating going on at Stuy than any other school ( for all I know, there might have been less cheating ), but when you consider the circumstances, the cheating that went on at Stuy was really reprehensible. I could understand ( but not condone ) cheating done by kids who are just trying to pass a course, but many of the cheaters at Stuy were in no danger of failing any course. I heard about cheating done by kids with very high grades. These kids were cheating to boost their grades enough so they could get into Harvard rather than some "lesser" Ivy League school. One guy I knew ( a guy who basically cut all his classes, and thus failed them all ) occasionally wrote papers ( for a hefty fee ) for a girl who wound up going to to Harvard.

So, I don't really care if my kids act disrespectful and make me look bad when they are young, as long as the develop into genuinely good people - and despite what my Dad thinks, I don't think imposing arbitrary discipline on preschoolers helps them develop into good adults. By "arbitrary" I mean stuff like forcing your kids to sit still at the dinner table. My Dad gave me a lot of flak about Michael not sitting still at the dinner table. Michael really has "ants in his pants", and tends to wander away from the table in the middle of meals. My Dad complained about this, and implied that I was being a bad parent. Now, Michael was only about 4 at the time. His language skills were not that great yet, and there was no way he was ready to understand the concept of why sitting still at the dinner table is a nice thing to do. He was not ready to understand concepts like politeness, and why it is nice to be polite. So, with that in mind, why should I have forced Michael to do something that he really didn't understand yet? If he doesn't really understand why he should be doing something, I don't see the benefit of training him a like dog to do it. Sure, if he wanted to do something dangerous like play in traffic, I would certainly discipline him ( to keep him safe ), but I'm not going to do that for something as trivial as table manners. Michael doesn't need to be trained like a dog. He's a good sweet kid, and when he understands what the right thing to do is, he invariably does the right thing. He doesn't need to be disciplined on threatened to do the right thing, he just does the right thing (Peter doesn't quite understand things well enough yet to do the right things on his own, but he's definitely getting there ).

So, assuming I want my kids to develop into genuinely good adults, what am I doing to help make that happen? Well, that's brings me back to my Mom. I'm the person I am today for one reason, and one reason only - my mother's love. My Mom never failed to give me the love and affection I needed. She was always there to hug me, and she was always there to dry my tears. I don't think there is anything more important to a child's development than the love a child gets. A child can't succeed unless he/she feels loved. I'm proud to say I was a momma's boy, and my mom's love sustained me through the years. I loved my Mom so much that I would never want to do anything that would disappoint her or cause her pain. When I did do something wrong as a child, all it would take is a disappointed look from my Mother to start me crying. I want Michael and Peter to feel the same way about Ruth and me as I felt about my mother. If they feel that love from us, I just *KNOW* they are going to turn out to be great people.

Wow, this turned out to be a long post in so many ways ( I started writing this on June 21st ), but parenthood isn't really something you can cover comprehensively in a short blog post. It's a deeply personal thing, everyone has their own ideas, and nobody can really say which method of parenting works best. With that in mind, I really can't pass judgment on Jayden's Mom one way or the other. All I will say is that I think she should be cut a little slack over Jayden's disrespectful behavior. Every parent deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Rich

Disney 2008

I've got some Disney photos for you!
We took a trip to Disney last September. The photo aren't spectacular, but if you've got kids, a facebook account, and you've been to Disney, I think there's a law that says you have to post the photos eventually. Anyway, I filled up my facebook account with 7 albums from the Disney trip ( from Sept 20 to Sept 26th ), so please click on the facebook link to the right if you are interested in seeing them.

And then he started to sing ...

No time for a real blog post tonight ( I still have a long unfinished "Parenthood" blog post in the pipeline, and I will eventually get to Neil's 30 questions ), but I just want to make a quick observation or two.

Last night before going to bed, I was flipping through the channels and noticed that Mamma Mia was on HBO. This isn't really a movie I have *any* interest in watching ( though I do like some ABBA songs, especially Dancing Queen ) , but it was near the end of the movie, so I decided to see how the movie ended. The scene I was watching was a wedding scene. There was some pretty good acting in it, and Pierce Brosnan's character did something that reminded me of the end of The Philadelphia Story ( which is a movie I *really* love ). So, for a brief moment or two I thought to myself "Hey, maybe this isn't such a bad movie after all!".

Then Pierce Bronson opened his mouth and starting to sing ...

Shortly after that, my ears started to bleed.

Good Lord! Words cannot describe how bad a singer Pierce is. You are just going to have to see ( hear ) for yourself ...



If you don't think it's *that* bad, then think about this ...

It wasn't as if he was doing a live performance. He clearly recorded this in studio, and was given as many chances as possible to get things right. He was probably given months of voice training, and they probably used all sorts of fancy recording equipment to make his voice sound better.

And *that* was the best they could do!

I mean, what was the casting director thinking? Sure, Pierce is a good looking guy and all, but if the producers wanted a good-looking guy in his 50's to attract middle-age women to the movie, they should have gone with somebody like Richard Gere. Gere is about the right age for the part, and his work in the movie Chicago proves that he's a passable singer.

Anyway, contrast the video above to the video below ...



This is one of the many amazing performances in the movie "A Mighty Wind". Eugene Levy is particular amazing in this movie. If you consider his body of work ( I guess his most well-known role is probably the Dad in American Pie ), you would never guess that he had that singing talent in him. He actually wrote this song, and the performance you see in the video was performed live in front of an audience.

Speaking of amazing singing performances, check out the Michael Jackson cover below:



The guy on the right is Gabe Bondoc, who has an amazing voice, and the girl on the left is Jane Lui. I discovered Jane a few weeks ago when I saw her "You are not alone" cover ( I included a link to that video in this blog post. ). She's got a real kick-ass voice, and I must admit that between her glasses, her dimples, and her ultra-high cheekbones, she definitely has a little bit of swoon-ability. Anyway, check out Gabe and Jane's channels and enjoy!

A boy and his cookie

This is another lazy post. I just loaded some photos from my Lake Compounce trip, and I couldn't help but post this one to my blog. However, as I love to get comments on my photos, and the comment system on Blogger sucks, I've decided to post the rest of the photos ( plus this one ) to facebook. So, anyway, you know where my facebook link is folks. Please check out the rest of my photos when you get a chance.

For Neil

This little lazy blog post is for my follower Neil. Neil seems to like my blogs about swooning, so I figured I'd point him to a vlog I made on the subject of swooning about a year ago. Yeah, I know I'm not really providing any original content, and this blog post is probably just an exercise in self-promotion more than anything else, but hey, even the best TV shows run "clip shows" every once in a while. Anyway, behold my "Who's Hot" video!



BTW, just so nobody thinks I was being disrespectful, I made the video above a month before Benazir Bhutto was assassinated ( may she rest in peace ).

I actually think I was inspired to write this blog post because I read a newspaper article yesterday that mentioned Lisa Loeb .


After all these years, I think I still have a little crush on Lisa Loeb, and of course, that crush started with the video below:

"The Wiggles" on YouTube

Well, it took me a while to upload but here is the footage of "The Wiggles" performance during Peter's 4th birthday party.

Photos!!!

After a few months of not posting to facebook, I've finally added some new photos. I've posted the photos from my company's annual summer party. The photo below is just of sample of all the fun stuff you can see my kids doing if you click on the facebook link to the right.

Rich

P.S. If you like the photos, you can thank my wife Ruth. She took all the photos in this album.

Bloggin' from the road

I'm writing this from my hotel room in Bristol, Connecticut. We've actually got free high speed internet access in the room ( I guess this is getting more common. We're not really at a high-end hotel ( We're at a Holiday Inn Express ), and the only other time I had free high speed internet access in a hotel room is when we were at a luxury resort in Hawaii last summer for my sister-in-law's wedding . When we were at Disney last year, we had to pay about 10 bucks a day for internet access, and it really wasn't true high speed ( it was only halfway between dial-up and high speed ). It's really a nice to get high speed internet access in a run-of-the-mill chain hotel.

Anyway, considering that I've got internet access, I couldn't resist writing a little blog entry. So, Lake Compounce Amusement Park really exceeded my expectations. It's really a wonderful little park. It the perfect size for a family, has water rides and kiddies rides, and has decent and reasonably priced food ( All soft drinks are free. ). It also has a couple of nice roller coasters. Normally, I don't have time to ride roller coasters when we go to an amusement park with the kids. However, the lines were really short, and everything is close together in the park, so I actually had time to hop on a few coasters while the boys were on the kiddie rides.

The weather wasn't perfect today ( It was cloudy most of the day, and we had a few thunderstorms ), but the sun came out long enough that the boys were able to spend some time on the water rides. I'm definitely looking forward to going back to the park tomorrow.

I noticed one rather random thing during the day. The carousel there was playing some really unusual songs. At one point when I was walking by it, I noticed it was playing an instrumental version of the theme from "Welcome Back, Kotter" ( I doubt that most of the people reading this have ever heard of "Welcome Back, Kotter". It was an American TV show in the 1970's. It's actually the show that gave John Travolta his first big break. It was a decent show, but you wouldn't expect the theme from the show to be played on a carousel 30 years later. ). If you are unfamiliar with the song, just play the YouTube video below.



Rich

Rain, Rain, Go Away.

I'll going to on vacation to Lake Compounce this weekend. Unfortunately, it's supposed to rain on Friday, and the temperature isn't supposed to reach 80 degrees Fahrenheit all weekend. This summer ( and late Spring ) has really sucked so far. By this time last year, the boys had already enjoyed the water rides at Sesame Place 3 or 4 times, and I had set up the backyard kiddie pool about 4 or 5 times during weekends. This year, the temperature has rarely gotten over 75 degrees, and it's rained almost every day ( and certainly each weekend ) since late May. We've only had one Sesame Place trip ( no water rides, just the dry rides ), and I've only filled the kiddie pool once ( last Sunday during a few hours of sunshine - and it really wasn't warm enough for the pool that day ). When Ruth and I arranged this vacation earlier this year ( we decided to go to Lake Compounce so we could pay my uncle ( my Dad's brother ) a visit in his nursing home. ) we never though it would be this cold in July. I was really hoping the boys could try the water rides. I hope we get enough sunshine tomorrow so they can at least try the water-slides a little bit.

Anyway, I'm off to sleep. We've got a long drive on Friday morning.

Rich

P.S. A copy of Roxio Toast 9.0 arrived at my home today. After I RTFM, I should be able to use it to get those Wiggles videos up on YouTube soon.