Parenthood

This post is going to be a direct response to this post by Shweta.

OK, I obviously wasn't there, but I've got a strong suspicion that you are being WAY too hard on this mom. First of all, I don't know why you would think that ...

use of pacifier = really lame way to tend to her kid

Now, I'm not saying this as a parent who worshiped at the alter of the pacifier. I'm well versed in both the pros and cons of pacifiers. I actually think a parent is probably better off not using a pacifier. We used a pacifier with Michael, but decided not to use a pacifier with Peter. By the time Peter was born, we realized just how tough it was going to be to ween Michael off the pacifier. Michael had to quit the pacifier cold turkey because we were told by his doctors that the pacifier could be contributing to his speech delay. Michael threw tantrums almost continually for two weeks after we took his pacifier away ( He would cry until he was exhausted, fall asleep, and then wake up and start crying again ). It was a really traumatic experience for us, so it was an easy decision to never introduce a pacifier to Peter ( We weened Michael off the pacifier when Peter was about 6 month old - thankfully we had not introduced Peter to a pacifier by then ).

OK, I know what was a long tangent. I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I'm probably a "no pacifier" person these days. However, I don't think there is anything wrong with pacifiers. Sucking on stuff certainly does comfort babies. The need to suck stuff is really an instinct that all babies have. We were careful to make sure that Peter didn't get attached to a single object like a pacifier, but we really couldn't do anything about that sucking instinct. While Peter didn't have a pacifier to suck on, he certainly sucked on anything he could get his hands on ( to this day, we still find him chewing on his shirts.) .

I guess that point I'm trying to make is that putting a pacifier in a baby's mouth is not an example of lazy parenting. It's not an example of a parent taking the easy way out rather than giving a baby what he/she wants and needs. Quite often, the pacifier is exactly what the baby wants. Also, it's not as if the mom has much of a choice. There are only so many ways you can calm down a crying baby. Most of those ways require giving the baby quite a bit of one-on-one attention. I assume you felt the mom should have been giving the baby more one-on-one attention, but considering what was going on with her son, that wasn't really an option at the time.

Taking care of two kids ( without help ) in a public setting can be a scary thing for a parent, especially when one ( or both ) of them are mobile. When the Mom saw Jayden running up and down the aisle, I don't think she was thinking ...

"I hope people don't think that I'm a bad parent."

OR

"How can I discipline Jayden with making people think that I'm an abusive parent?"
What she was probably thinking was ...

"OMG, I hope I don't loose sight of Jayden on this crowded bus. I hope somebody doesn't snatch him at the next bus stop and run off with him."

In today's world, all parents live in fear of their children being kidnapped. I'm sure the mom wasn't too concerned about Jayden acting disrespectful and making her look bad. Her primary concern was probably his safety. With that in mind, she really needed to watch Jayden like a hawk when he was running up and down the aisle. She probably felt that she couldn't afford to give the bady more attention. Besides, if the pacifier calmed the baby down, then the pacifier was exactly what the baby wanted/needed. Of course, I could be wrong about all this. I guess it's possible that this mother is simply lazy and doesn't give her kids enough attention. However, without knowing all the facts, I think we should give her the benefit of the doubt.

Speaking of "the benefit of the doubt", it's hard to pass judgment on the mom's handling of Jayden without knowing more about Jayden. For all we know, Jayden could have PDD, Tourette's syndrome, or some other developmental disorder. Both of my children have forms of PDD, which means that getting them to behave "normal" can be exceedingly difficult at times. In fact, "normal" behavior is never really entirely possible, because kids with PDD have brains that are wired differently than "typical" kids. My boys are wonderful in so many ways, but they can be a handful at times, and I'm sure that a lot of folks who see me in public with my kids jump to the conclusion that I'm "not raising them the right way". Of course, I don't know if that's the case with Jayden, but based on my personal experience, I always give the parents the benefit of the doubt when I see a misbehaving kid.

All that being said, let's assume for a moment that Jayden is a "typical" kid without any development disorders. Does his disrespectful behavior reflect badly on his mom? Well, before tackling that question, let me first address what you had to say about Asian kids. I wouldn't call what you said "racist", but I would call it ( let me just make up a word here ) culturalist. You are clearly not saying that there are any kind of genetics-based behavioral differences between Asian kids and non-Asian kids, but I think you are implying that Asian kids are much less likely to be disrespectful, because many Asian cultures ( and Asian parents ) stress respect for elders more so than most non-Asian cultures. If that's what you are saying, I can certainly see where you are coming from. Of course, there is no single homogeneous Asian culture, but between my friends and extended family, I've certainly seen enough of the parent/child dynamic in Chinese/Korean/Japanese/Indian/Vietnamese families to come to the conclusion that the parent/child dynamic is often very different in Asian families than it is in non-Asian families. Of course, while some of that has to do with the culture of the country people can trace their roots to, I think a lot of it also has to do with the immigrant experience. Most of my Asian friends are either immigrants or the children of immigrants. Back in high school, more than half of my non-Asian friends were also immigrants or the children of immigrants. Based on my experience with Asian/non-Asian/immigrant/non-immigrant families I actually think that the immigrant-factor correlates a lot better with respect-for-parents than race does . Respect for parents seem to be an "old country" value regardless of where the "old country" is, and those "old country" values seem to fade with each passing generation.

OK, let's get back to Jayden and his lack of respect. I don't know how old Jayden is, but before we pass judgment on his mom, I think we need to ask a few questions. Is Jayden old enough to understand why being respectful is a good thing? Is he old enough to have a sense of empathy? Does he understand that other people have feelings too, and that when he behaves badly, he can hurt the ones he loves ( like his mom ). If Jayden is actually capable of understanding such things, I would say that his Mom has done a bad job instilling the right values in him. However, if a kid is not old enough to understand why being respectful is important, I don't think we should give a parent too much credit if they've managed to make their kids obedient little robots. I actually don't think that the ability to make a pre-school child obedient and respectful is a always a sign of good parenting. I actually think it can sometimes be a sign of bad parenting if the parent is using strict discipline to get the child to behave respectfully.

In order to explain what I mean, I'll have to review my theory of parenting a bit. My theory of parenting is really based on the way my parents tried to raise me and the effect it had on me. I have a pretty good memory of what they tried to do, and I remember what worked and what didn't work. My Mom and Dad had very different parenting styles. My Dad had a rather typical parenting style that never really clicked with me. Thankfully, my Mom ( who was a stay-at-home mom ) spent a lot more time raising me than my Dad. I found my Mom's parenting style to be much more effective than my Dad's. Her parenting style made me the person I am today, and I'm raising my kids based on the way she raised me. Now, I love my Dad and all, but we don't see eye-to-eye when it come to raising kids. He ( and his girlfriend ( who shares a lot of his beliefs about parenting) ) have often been critical of the way I've been raising Michael and Peter. When he does this, I really want to tell him ...

1) It's none of your business how I raise my kids.
2) Your parenting methods weren't that effective with me. Most of the stuff you told me went in one ear and out the other. I'm glad that you're proud that I've been a good, dutiful, successful, and respectful son, but don't pat yourself on the back too much. I'm the person I am today because of Mom. Her parenting methods worked and yours really didn't. I'm raising my kids based on the way Mom raised me, and nothing you tell me is going to change that.
3) Oh, and PLEASE ask your girlfriend to keep her nose out of our lives. Also, ask her to stop implying that some of Craig's ( my brother's ) bad habits ( he's a really picky eater, and he rarely eats healthy foods like fruits and vegetables ) are the result of him being coddled too much as a child. She knows as well as you do that Mom primarily raised Craig and me, so when she says Craig was coddled, she's saying that Mom coddled Craig too much. Perhaps Mom made some mistakes raising us ( nobody's perfect ) , but your girlfriend is seriously crossing the line when she criticizes my Mom's parenting methods. I'm sure she wouldn't say that kind of stuff to my Mom's face if my Mom were still alive, so she shouldn't be able to get away with saying that stuff just because my Mom isn't around to defend herself.

However, I only see my Dad about twice a year ( and my Mom raised me to be both respectful and considerate of other people's feelings ), so I hold my tongue and don't say anything.

Geez, all that stuff above must really make me sound bitter. I guess should make it clear here that I don't really have a lot of problems with my Dad. There are just are couple of things that bother me and I really felt the need to vent.

Still, I REALLY REALLY hope he never reads what I wrote above. I guess the surest make to keep that from happening is to never post it ( Heck, I started this post on June 21st, and I writing this sentence on July 11th ), but I know he's not even aware of my blog. However, on the small chance that he ever does read this, I'd like to say the following to him:

( Dad, I sincerely hope you are not offended by some of the stuff I wrote above. I don't want you to think that I think you were a bad father. You weren't a perfect father ( and I wasn't a perfect son ), but I think that you were probably better than 95% of the Dad's out there. Mom may be my biggest roll model, but there are lot's of things I admire about you.
- You were completely dedicated to Mom, and that was never more clear than during the last 7 years of her life. You fought so hard to find the best possible medical care for her.
- You were always a good son to your parents. I still remember the long car rides we took about 10 time a year to visit your parents in Connecticut. I'm sure there were other ways you would have rather spent your free weekend days, but you always made sure your Mom and Dad got to see the grandkids.
- You've been a good brother to your older brother Art. I know you still call him every day, and you're really the only person in his life that really looks out for him ( Note: My uncle has had mental issues for most of his life ( probably the result of Asperger's Syndrome ), and now is in a nursing home ).
- You have more practical "Dad skills" than almost any Dad I know. I remember how you finished the basement in our home all by yourself ( He worked each weekend, and each night after coming home from work. He did the electrical wiring, the carpet, the ceiling, the walls - it really was an amazing job. ). I remember when the garage started to sag/tilt, and you fixed the problem by creating a brand new foundation for the garage ( He dug all around the garage ( inside and out), put up wood framing, and then poured cement into the molds he made with the framing. ). You were able to do pretty much anything that needed doing around the house. I don't even change my own oil.
- I admire the 6 years you served our country in the U.S. Air Force. I'm proud to have a Dad who served his country in that way.
- I admire how you built your career as a stockbroker without a college degree. You started your career on Wall Street with a only high school diploma, a year of college, your radio operator experience in the Ar Force, and some time spent as a postman, but you managed to eventually get your stockbroker's license and support your wife and two kids well ( and send Craig and me to top universities ). I was impressed with how you went to night classes to get your Certified Financial Planner license. I think you should be as proud of your CFP as you are of the degrees that Craig and I earned.

So, I'm not trying to say you were a bad father, Dad. I'm just saying that Mom was my biggest role model, rather than you. Considering how much you loved Mom, I would hope that you wouldn't be offended by that. Considering how much you told me "Your Mom was a saint" in the week after she died, I think you would be the first to admit that she was a better person than you. So, I hope you are not offended that I'm making it clear in this blog post that my parenting style is based on Mom's parenting style rather than yours. )

OK, that was a really long tangent. Let me try to get to my point. One of the things that bothers me is when my Dad criticizes me for not imposing enough discipline on my kids. Don't get me wrong - discipline has its place. There are times in life when you simply have to behave yourself even if you don't want to. There are times in life when you need to hold your tongue, even when you are dying to say something. I certainly don't want my kids growing up without any self-control, but it's important to me that they really grow up to have the self-control to do the right thing, even if nobody else is watching. I feel that too much harsh and/or arbitrary discipline really doesn't teach kids to do the right thing. What it teaches kids is, "I'd better not get caught doing the wrong thing". If a child's primary motivation for doing the right thing is to avoid punishment, that child is going to do the wrong thing whenever he/she feels he/she can get away with it. My kids could be the most well-behaved respectful children in the world. They could do well in school, and treat all authority figures with respect. They could do everything in public to honor their family name and to make me look like a good parent. However, if they ever do something dishonest ( cheat on an exam, cheat on their taxes, work-related white collar crime, cheat on their wife/girlfriend, etc. ) when nobody is watching, then I would have failed as a parent, even if they never get caught, and even if I never find out that they did something dishonest.

I really want my kids to grow up with a world-class conscience. I want my kinds to be good simply for the sake of being going - not because they want look good or please anybody ( even me ). I know that's a really high standard, and no person can be *that* perfect and pure, but it's a standard I want my kids to strive for. I care more about that than any public accolades my kids might get someday. I know from experience that lots of "model" kids are rotten to the core. I went to Stuyvesant High School ( Stuy ), the top public high school in New York City. Every single kid who got admitted to that school was a high-achiever, the kind of kid who made his/her parents proud. Now, plenty of people at Stuy were really nice folks. Some of my best friends went to Stuy. However there were A LOT of dishonest people there. There was a good deal of cheating going on at Stuy. I'm not saying that there was more cheating going on at Stuy than any other school ( for all I know, there might have been less cheating ), but when you consider the circumstances, the cheating that went on at Stuy was really reprehensible. I could understand ( but not condone ) cheating done by kids who are just trying to pass a course, but many of the cheaters at Stuy were in no danger of failing any course. I heard about cheating done by kids with very high grades. These kids were cheating to boost their grades enough so they could get into Harvard rather than some "lesser" Ivy League school. One guy I knew ( a guy who basically cut all his classes, and thus failed them all ) occasionally wrote papers ( for a hefty fee ) for a girl who wound up going to to Harvard.

So, I don't really care if my kids act disrespectful and make me look bad when they are young, as long as the develop into genuinely good people - and despite what my Dad thinks, I don't think imposing arbitrary discipline on preschoolers helps them develop into good adults. By "arbitrary" I mean stuff like forcing your kids to sit still at the dinner table. My Dad gave me a lot of flak about Michael not sitting still at the dinner table. Michael really has "ants in his pants", and tends to wander away from the table in the middle of meals. My Dad complained about this, and implied that I was being a bad parent. Now, Michael was only about 4 at the time. His language skills were not that great yet, and there was no way he was ready to understand the concept of why sitting still at the dinner table is a nice thing to do. He was not ready to understand concepts like politeness, and why it is nice to be polite. So, with that in mind, why should I have forced Michael to do something that he really didn't understand yet? If he doesn't really understand why he should be doing something, I don't see the benefit of training him a like dog to do it. Sure, if he wanted to do something dangerous like play in traffic, I would certainly discipline him ( to keep him safe ), but I'm not going to do that for something as trivial as table manners. Michael doesn't need to be trained like a dog. He's a good sweet kid, and when he understands what the right thing to do is, he invariably does the right thing. He doesn't need to be disciplined on threatened to do the right thing, he just does the right thing (Peter doesn't quite understand things well enough yet to do the right things on his own, but he's definitely getting there ).

So, assuming I want my kids to develop into genuinely good adults, what am I doing to help make that happen? Well, that's brings me back to my Mom. I'm the person I am today for one reason, and one reason only - my mother's love. My Mom never failed to give me the love and affection I needed. She was always there to hug me, and she was always there to dry my tears. I don't think there is anything more important to a child's development than the love a child gets. A child can't succeed unless he/she feels loved. I'm proud to say I was a momma's boy, and my mom's love sustained me through the years. I loved my Mom so much that I would never want to do anything that would disappoint her or cause her pain. When I did do something wrong as a child, all it would take is a disappointed look from my Mother to start me crying. I want Michael and Peter to feel the same way about Ruth and me as I felt about my mother. If they feel that love from us, I just *KNOW* they are going to turn out to be great people.

Wow, this turned out to be a long post in so many ways ( I started writing this on June 21st ), but parenthood isn't really something you can cover comprehensively in a short blog post. It's a deeply personal thing, everyone has their own ideas, and nobody can really say which method of parenting works best. With that in mind, I really can't pass judgment on Jayden's Mom one way or the other. All I will say is that I think she should be cut a little slack over Jayden's disrespectful behavior. Every parent deserves the benefit of the doubt.

Rich