The Wallflower

You know, I don't need to tell any of my regular readers that I bitch and moan about being rejected by girls in High School quite a bit in this space. Yes, there have certainly been a lot of "woe is me" type of posts. However, I recently realized that I really have nothing to complain about. I certainly had my opportunities, but I was too much of an idiot to take advantage of any of them.

Well, perhaps "idiot" is too harsh of a term. The problem was that I was way too sentimental about the girls I had fallen for. After I fell for a girl, I would "only have eyes" for that girl. Somehow I felt a need to "be true" to this girl, and not pursue any other girls. So essentially, I was trying to be monogamous with a girl I wasn't even dating ( and never would date ). Hmm, I take back what I said at the start of this paragraph. I really was an idiot.

One of the best examples of my idiot ways happened in June of 1987. I was at a party at High School Girl #1's ( HSG#1's ) house. HSG#1 had rejected me in late February of that year. I guess she must have felt a little pity for me, or was hoping I would meet some other girl, because I was invited to a few of the parties she and her friends threw over the next year or so. High School Girl #2 ( HSG#2 ) was at this party as well. She was close friends with HSG#1. HSG#1 had actually introduced me to HSG#2 ( She suggested that the two of us be lab partners in a computer programing course we were both taking ). My feelings for HSG#2 blossomed not long after HSG#1 had rejected me ( clearly this was a "rebound" type of attraction ). HSG#2 rejected me in mid-May of 1987, so by the time I went to this party, things had run their course with both HSG#1 and HSG#2.

Except things hadn't completely run their course in my heart yet. I had certainly "moved on" as far as HSG#1 was concerned ( especially because she had a boyfriend ), but for some stupid reason I was still holding on to a hope that HSG#2 would eventually change her mind and date me. There really wasn't any evidence that there was any chance she would change her mind, but I still found myself lingering around her in a semi-stalkerish way, hoping that I could somehow change her mind. I eventually managed to talk some sense into myself regarding my fruitless pursuit of HSG#2, but unfortunately this didn't happen in time for this party.

So anyway, something happened about halfway through this party, which upon reflection, makes me feel both like an idiot and a jerk. This was by no means one of those rowdy rockin' house parties ( We were all relatively nerdy Stuyvesant H.S. kids ( Stuyvesant was a "magnet" public High School which only admitted the top performers on a admissions test taken across all of New York City ) ), but there was a little bit of music and dancing. Not a lot of dancing however ( because a lot of us were the nerdy wallflower types ), so at one point in the evening HSG#1 walked around the room to try to encourage people to start dancing. When HGS#1 walked up to one girl ( I honestly don't remember her name, I'm just going to call her WG, for WallFlower Girl ) and asked if she wanted to dance, WG looked right at me, smiled, and said ...

"I'll dance if Rich dances with me."

Well, I don't think I could have been given a clearer signal than that - especially from a shy girl who had barely said a word the entire night.

Well, what did I do, given this opportunity?

Nothing.

Well, actually worse than nothing. I think I kinda looked away and smiled and said something to the effect "That's OK. I don't really feel like dancing.".

Why? Well I guess I thought that following HSG#2 like a shadow all night was a more productive way to be spending my time.

What an idiot indeed - and what a jerk!

This girl put herself "out there" like that, and I just blew her off without a second thought. I'm not saying she was in love with me or anything ( We had never spoken a word to each other before she asked me to dance ), but I certainly must have hurt her feeling at least a little bit. Perhaps I might have even hurt her feeling a bit more than that. I honestly didn't even know her name that night, but she certainly knew mine.

So, on the tiny tiny chance that WG ever runs across this blog post, I'd like to offer a sincere apology.

------- Start of apology to WG --------

Hey WG, I'm really sorry that I didn't dance with you that night - sorry in more ways than you've probably ever imagined.

First of all, even if I wasn't interested in you, I should have accepted your offer to dance - especially because you made the offer in such a public way. It's not as if a single dance would have really implied anything other than we wanted to dance. Instead, I probably humiliated you by shooting you down in front of a room full of people. I'm deeply deeply sorry for that. I was a complete ass. I don't really deserve to be forgiven, but I hope you can forgive me.

Second, there really wasn't a good reason why I shouldn't have been interested in dancing with you. I should have been thrilled that you wanted to dance with me that night. It really didn't make sense that I wanted to hang out with HSG#2 instead of dance with you. After all, she had already rejected me, but more importantly, anybody who knows me well enough to know "my type" of girl ( If you are wondering what "my type" is, just read my "First Date?" blog post. ) would recognize that you are SOOOOOOO much more my type than HSG#2 ( If you are not 100% sure who HSG#2 is, just watch this video about HSG#2. The description I give in the video should be a dead giveaway. ). In fact, if you took a picture of HSG#2 and put it next to a picture of every other girl I've ever been strongly physically attracted to, HSG#2's picture would stick out so much it would be like playing the old Sesame Street game "Which of these things is not like the other?". In all honestly, if I had been computer lab partners with you instead of HSG#2, I bet I would have wound up falling for you.

So yes, I was an idiot and a big jerk. I really hope you can forgive me.

-------- End of apology ----------------

When I was reflecting on the WG story, I remembered that something similar ( though not as public ) happened during the period of time when I was pining for HSG#1 ( but had not let her know yet ). Sometime during my Sophomore year, my English teacher had everyone in her class write up "personals" - basically descriptions of ourselves complete with photos of ourselves ( seems like a really bizarre English class project in retrospect, but that's what happened ). The "personals" were then distributed among the classes this teacher covered, and everyone was encouraged to make comments on any personals they found interesting ( really low-tech match.com or "Hot or Not?"? ). Well, when my own "personal ad" gets back to me, I find 2 comments on it. One was a very flattering anonymous comment. The second comment was a reply to the first comment. The second comment ( also anonymous ) was "You've got good taste!". Well, as I'm reading the comments one of the teacher's aids ( There were two teaching interns assigned to help out with the class ) leans over tells me the name of the girl who made the "You've got good taste!" comment ( I guess this intern wanted to play match-maker. Apparently she had been standing behind ( spying on ) this girl when she made her comment on my personal ad ).

However, the intern's matchmaking attempt was wasted on me. I only had eyes for HSG#1 at the time. So, I never did try to get to know the "You've got good taste!" girl better. I probably should have, though I doubt very much this girl's feeling were hurt at all. I don't want to give her identity away to anyone from my high school who might stumble upon this blog ( EZ - You are an exception to that rule. If you want to know who this girl was, just ask me and I'll email you her name ), but I doubt very much that this girl had trouble getting the attention of guys. In fact, I just looked at her yearbook picture before I wrote this post, and let me tell you, if I was flexible enough to kick myself, I would have kicked myself real hard after looking at her picture.

So yeah, I have nothing to whine about regarding my lack of high school romances. I was just an idiot, pure and simple.

Rich