Waiting for communitychannel

I've got a confession to make. At least once a day, I've been checking communitychannel's recent videos to see if there have been any videos responses. The reason why is ...
1) Video responses to Natalie ( communitychannel ) do not show up as video responses on her videos until she has approved ( and presumably watched ) them.
2) It seems like she reviews her pending video responses in a huge block once every few weeks ( which makes sense, considering the huge number of video responses she must get ).
3) The fact that her videos from the last few weeks do not have responses posted, tells me that she has not checked her video responses in a few weeks.
4) I currently have 3 pending video responses to Nat.
So, I sit and wait in eager anticipation for the time Nat will actually watch my video responses. I get a great thrill when I know she's actually watched them, especially when she leaves comments. Now, if that sounds creepy and vaugely stalkerish, you aint heard nothin' yet. Just wait unitl I tell you exactly why get so thrilled when Natalie watches my videos.
The truth is, I have a huge man crush on Natalie.
Note that I said "man crush" rather than "crush", because the distinction is rather significant. I don't know if the term is commonly used in the rest of the English-speaking world, but in the USA, a "man crush" usually refers to a platonic crush that one guy has on a another guy. Very often man crushes involve sports figures. For example, lots of male New York Yankees fans have had man crushes on Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter for years. When a guy has a man crush of one his sports heroes, he often seems to adore his sports hero more than his wife or girlfriend. He'll talk about the guy all the time, think about him all the time, and would be devastated if the guy ever left his favorite sports team. Basically, a guy with a man crush has all the emotions a guy in love would have, except for all the sexual desire stuff. Considering that guys with man crushes are often macho, sports-loving, and sometimes homophobic, the term "man crush" can certainly be seen in moking terms. A great of example of this is the following video ( here ), which basically mocks the large number of guys in New England who have man crushes on New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady ( BTW, I picked my YouTube name in order to make a response to that video. Mo Lewis, who wore number 57, was a linebacker for the New York Jets ( my favorite football team ). Tom Brady was a back-up quarterback until Mo Lewis tackled the Patriots starting quarterback and ruptured the quarterback's spleen. Tom Brady then became the starting quarterback of the Patriots, and a football legend. ).
So, when I say I have a man crush on Nat, I mean that in the context of YouTube, I basically idolize her in a platonic way. Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly recognize that she's very pretty, but I've never really had a regular non-platonic crush on her. I also want to stress that I'm not just saying that because I'm a 38-year old married man. I've certainly never been afraid to admit that I have innocent heterosexual crushes on other women ( see the videos here, here, here, and here ), but my feelings for Nat are very much shaped by context. Let's say for the sake of the argument, I was 22 years younger, and I had met somebody like Nat in a High School Chemistry class. In that case, I would have seen Nat in the context of "She's that cute in my Chemistry class", and there is a very good chance I would have developed a crush on her. However, the context in which I actually first saw Nat was "Super-awesome YouTuber!". I first saw Nat when I clicked on one of her vidoes that was feautured on the main YouTube page in May or June of 2007. The video was the one in which she talks about how OCD she is and how she's afraid to touch other peoples hands because of germs. Before watching her video, I had only watched YouTube clips of TV shows. I wasn't even aware that there were YouTubers making their own homemade videos on a regular basis. So, when I watched Nat's video, I was amazed by what I saw ( though I'll admit when I first saw Nat do her "wear different clothes to play different characters"-thing, for a few seconds I thought "Gee, those 3 girls really look alike" ). After that, I watched her "Naters17" video ( where she dresses as Tetris ), and from that point on, I was hooked. It wasn't long before watching Nat gave me the idea to do videos on my own. Of course, I made my first video ( and my second ) in response to Nat. When Nat responded almost immediately with kind and encouraging comments, I think I became a communitychannel acoltye for life. I think I modeled my channel after hers ( My first few videos are very much in the communitychannel style, right down to the costume changes! ), and I began to view her as kind of a YouTube mentor ( to the extent that a person you've never met and who is 16 years younger than you can be a mentor ).
So, I guess in a way, my channel has kinda revolved around Nat ever since then. Sure, most of my videos have nothing to do with her, but it's never that long between video responses to her, and sad as it may seem, the online part of my personality likes to get validation from Natalie ( in other words, I like to get communitychannel comments on my videos ) much like a child might like to get validation from a parent ( Because hey, if there is such a thing as a YouTube Mom, Natalie would be my YouTube Mom ( Gee, that sounded weird coming from a 38-year old guy with two kids - buy hey, I'm just keeping it real. Nat really did give birth to my YouTube life, and probably the YouTube lives of many other folks ) ).
Anyway, considering how many video responses come her way, I'm been amazed by how often she's given me that validation. She doesn't comment on 100% of my video responses, but she comments at a far higher rate ( about 50% ) than any other "famous" YouTuber I've sent video responses too. In fact, I think she may have even given me a secret kind of response during an occassion where she didn't leave a comment. Once, when she was complaining a lot about guys making rude comments about her boobs ( She was threatening to pull a lot of her videos ), I made a video in which I made it clear that her real fans were not watching her for that kind of stuff. I also mentioned in the video that my all time favorite communitychannel moment was when she dressed up as Tetris. She didn't make any comments on the video, but a day after the my video response was accepted, her channel icon became a picture of her in her Tetris costume ( the icon stayed that way for a week before changing back to a basic headshot ). Perhaps I'm reading too much into to this, but if she was really willing to acknowledge a fan that way, that makes about as cool as a person can be.
On a more practical matter, communitychannel video responses have certainly been one of the two main engines that keep my channel going with new subscribers ( The other factor is the Gay community. Many of of my most viewed videos ( and most discussed by a VERY wide margin ) are my videos on the subject of Gay Rights ). When she favorited my Scones video ( the ultimate validation ), my number of subscribers doubled in just a few months. More importantly, I've met a lot a great folks online since then ( which has led to this blog ), and in a way, that can all be traced back to Natalie.
And yes, after all this rambling, I don't want to given anybody the impression that I've lost perspective. Sure, I have a "real" life, and there is nothing more valuable than that. There's nothing I enjoy more than family time with my wife and boys. Sure, there's a time and place for my online life, but when that time comes ( Now is one of those times, my wife and kids have been asleep for the last two hours ), I intend to enjoy it to the fullest. Back before my kids were born, I spent far more time playing video games than I spend YouTube-ing/blogging now. I gave up video games after my first son was born, and I really haven't had any kind of hobby since. I think everybody needs a hobby, so I think all this YouTube stuff really has filled a void in my life. It's certainly better to make ( or try to make ) creative videos and interact with people around the world than it would be to spend all my free time insulated in the world of videos games. Yeah, so I don't need to "Get a Life". I've got one, thank you - and it's going pretty good - but I also have a virtual life, and I actually think it makes my "real" life more complete.
Thanks to all who read this ridiculously long post,
Rich