Faith

This post is kinda a continuation of the "Faith" YouTube video I just made, so please click here if you have not watched that video yet.
I guess the first thing I should say is that I haven't had some kind of recent revelation about my faith ( or lack thereof ). I've always felt this way, but it's just not something I've always felt comfortable talking about. I think I'm not very different from a lot of people in that way. In survey after survey, most people ( especially in the USA ) will say that they believe in God, but the high percentage of people who live very secular lives ( Almost none of my Christian friends from my childhood still go to church, and my Dad almost never went to church when I was a kid (my Mom always took me ) ) contradicts what the surveys say about belief in God. There's definitely a stigma attached to atheism/agnosticism ( especially in the USA ), and most people will say they believe in God, even if they don't have 100% faith in that belief.
I still wouldn't say I'm agnostic ( though many would say my doubts about the existence of God make me by definition agnostic ). I still consider myself to be Christian. I don't think my doubts make me non-Christian, I just think they make me human.
I guess this all goes back to how I'm going to raise my kids. I won't have to worry about Peter for a few years, but Michael is already starting to ask questions, and as I've documented before, Michael is a really smart kid. Can I really sit there are tell him that ( as the George Carlin used to say ) "there is an invisible man in the sky" who watches us all the time, and will punish us if we don't behave in a certain way? He's so smart, and he's so interested in science already - how can I tell him that there is an invisible man in the sky that can do magic?
I'm not trying to belittle religion by saying this. I've encountered the Richard Dawkins types who belittle religion by saying that it is just a "delusion", and I don't really like those people much at all. Somewhere in my heart I've still a believer. In fact, I think I believe in God 100% in my heart - I'm just not sure about my head - I've never really been sure. As I said in my video, I believe in the Christian philosphy so much ( love your neighboor, love your enemies, turn the other cheek, don't seek revenge, forgive and love those who hurt you, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, etc. ) that I've always felt very comfortable in the Christian faith. I have a love for the Christian philosophy that would exist even if it was just a philosophy rather than a religion. Also, I must admit that I've always had a fear of death - I have a fear of simply not existing someday. So, the promise of an afterlife in the Christian relgion has always been appealing to me. If there is a God and a heavan, I certainly do want to go to heaven ( who wouldn't?).
So, because of my comfort with the Christian philosophy and my desire to go to heaven someday ( assuming there is a heaven ), I guess I've always just "gone through the motions" when it comes to believing in God - I'm not really sure if I've ever really believed on an intellectual level. I dunno - I want to believe in God - the thought of a world without God scares me. I wish I could have the faith that my Mom had. Even if there isn't a God, I would imagine that a sincere 100% faith in the existense of God would give somebody a tremendous amount of comfort in life, especially when the time comes to face death. I know my Mom had that comfort during her last years, but I'm not sure that I'll have that comfort when my time comes.
My faith ( as it is ) is really a gift from my Mom. I doubt I'd have any faith at all if my Mom had not taught me to pray and had not took me to church each week. I honestly have a hard time understanding people who are "born again" into the Christian faith as adults. The basic supernatural beliefs of almost any religion seem like they would be hard to believe unless they were drilled into your head as a child. People look at a "new" religion like Scientology and say stuff like "Those people are nuts! They believe in some wacky shit!". However, if you step outside your own religion and look at the supernatural beliefs of your own religion as an objective outsider, you'll probably find plenty of stuff that is "wacky" about your religion..
So, in any case, I've always been torn between my religious side and my scientific side. It's hard to reconcile the two sides. I've decided a long time ago that to try and think of religion in a scientific way is just pure folly. You always hear about Christians who are trying to "prove" the existence of God by doing things like ...

1) trying to find Noah's Ark.
2) making up crazy theories to prove that the Creation story in the Bible is literally true and that the theory of Evolution is wrong.
3) prove that the Shroud or Turin in authentic.

I've come the conclusion, that those people really don't understand faith. Faith is by definition the belief in something without evidence. If you need to go out looking for evidence, then you really don't have faith.

So do I have faith? Well, certainly not like my Mom did, but I certainly have something like it. I guess what I have is closer to Hope than Faith. I certainly Hope there is a God. I Hope there is a heaven, and I Hope to see my loved ones after I die. I also do have Faith that if there is a God, he/she/it is a loving God who will judge us based on our deeds rather than our specific beliefs. So, even though my faith is shaky at times, I will continue to live my life as if there is a loving God, and I will do my best to live a good life.

I guess more than anything else, I want my kids to live a good life. I do have my doubts about organized religion, but perhaps it is a good framework for living a good life, because it certainly worked out okay for me. So, I guess I will be bringing up my kids in my "faith", though I certainly won't be upset at all if they decide to take a different path someday.

Yes, I know - perhaps that's not very Christian attitude, but it is human - and that's really all I can be.

Rich