Funerals

There was a death in my family this week.

Before you start offering your condolences, consider the following:

1) The deceased ( my Great Aunt Elsie - younger sister of my maternal grandmother ) would have been 92 in about a month.
2) She's been going progressively senile* over the last few years. She spent the last 9 months or so in a nursing home, and frankly, she could barely recognize anyone anymore.
3) With number 2 above in mind, I though it was actually a blessing that she passed away.

( * - I'm not even sure if "senile" is a PC term anymore, but it just seems more to the point to say "senile" than to say something like "suffering from Alzheimer's disease". I don't think it's disrespectful or demeaning to say "senile". Senility is what it is, and there is no need to sugar coat it. Heck, considering that I've always looked and felt young for my age in a physical sense, it's probably inevitable that my mind will give out before my body does. If and when that happens, I hope my grandkids can just say "Gramps has gone senile", without feeling the need to get all clinical about it. )

Also, I've gotten pretty philosophical about death over the years. I accepted a long time ago that I'll probably see most of my significantly older relatives die during my lifetime. My maternal grandmother passed away in 1980, my paternal grandmother passed away in 1983, my maternal grandfather passed away in 1990, my paternal grandfather passed away in 1993, and my mother passed away in 1996. So, by the time I was 26, I only had one living direct ancestor ( my Dad ).

So death really doesn't bother my much. I love my old relatives and all, but I've already accepted that a day will come when they will not be around.

Death is natural. Regardless of our religious beliefs ( or lack thereof ) and belief in an afterlife ( or lack thereof ), I think we all need to accept that nobody lives forever on this Earth. Everyone passes from this Earth, and we need to be ready to accept that.

So, with that in mind, I hope I don't seem really insensitive to you when I tell you that when I got the news that my Aunt Elsie passed away on Thursday night, my only response was "Well, it's for the best". It really was for the best. Two of my Aunts from my Mom's generation and my Aunt Elsie's younger brother and sister ( all of whom live in the same retirement community ( the community my Aunt Elsie lived in before sent was put in the nursing home ) ) had been spending a lot of time visiting the nursing home. I think they all felt kinda guilty for putting Aunt Elsie in the nursing home, even though it probably was the best thing to do at that point in Aunt Elsie's life. Considering my Aunt Elsie's advancing senility, I doubt that either she or her relatives were getting much out of the nursing home visits. The visits were just making everyone feel guilty and sad. I think it is for the best that she finally passed on.

Anwway, my Aunt Elsie's funeral is on Monday and her wake is on Sunday ( I'm writing this before going to bed on Saturday night - it's actually 12:19 AM on Sunday as a type this ). Working is too crazy right now for me to even think about taking Monday off on short notice.

OK, that last sentence is a lie. Work is crazy right now, but if I had to take time off to do something I considered really important ( like something for my wife and kids ), I wouldn't hesitate taking a day off. In truth, my busy work schedule is just a convenient excuse for me to skip the funeral.

It's not that I get sad at funerals ( I didn't even shed a tear at my Mom's funeral ) - it's just that I don't believe in funerals. I don't believe in them at all. I honestly think they are a waste of time. If it was socially acceptable at all, I would never go to another funeral for my entire life ( including my own - I've decided to specify in my will that my body should be donated to science when I die. That way, my remains will be put to use for a noble cause ( training medical students ) and my kids won't have to deal with funeral arrangements or waste their valuable time by visiting my buried rotting corpse someday. ).

Yeah, I know, while anyone with half a brain will tell you that funerals really don't benefit the deceased ( If there's no afterlife, the deceased won't know and won't care about what is going on at a funeral, and if there is an afterlife, no just God is going to the let the quality of a funeral determine how a soul will spend his/her afterlife. Yeah, I know some religions ( including mine ) require a certain kind of funeral, but if you really think your God cares about this kind of stuff, then you must think your God is petty bastard. No just God is going to keep somebody out of heaven because that person didn't have the proper funeral ), most people will tell you that funerals exist to comfort the close relatives of the deceased.

REALLY?

I was only peripherally involved in my Mom's funeral arrangements, and let me tell you, I didn't find any comfort in it. Arranging a funeral is a real pain in the ass. Perhaps I'm wrong about this, but I think the last thing most people want to do after a loved one dies is a bunch of arrangements that keep acutely reminding you that your loved one certainly is dead, and that you are responsible for what happens with your loved one's body.

Yeah, everbody greets you at the wake and funeral and says stuff like "I'm sorry for your loss" of "He/She was such a wonderful person", but what would we expect them to say? They are certainly not going to say something like "Good riddance, I'm glad that bastard is dead!". I really feel like everybody is just going through the motions at a funeral. I'm not saying that people are being insincere - most people really are sorry for your loss, and most people really do think the person who died was a wonderful person. It's just that everything that is said, sincere or not, seems to be part of an elaborate routine that is the same at every single funeral. I don't need my friends to tell me that they are sorry for my loss. I know my friends are sorry for my loss. If my friends were not sorry for my loss, these people would not be my friends.

I dunno, I'm just not a funeral person. I hope people don't think I'm some kind of insensitive bastard, but I just don't see that point. Sure, some people do need a lot of consoling when a person they love dies - but I think all the consoling could be done without are the pomp and circumstance of a wake and funeral. I actually think a funeral can get in the way of the consoling. I person needs to be consoled after a loved one dies, I think the most effectively way to do that would be to have everyone gather to talk about deceased in an informal way, and I think that should only be done when the relatives of the deceased are ready to talk. Perhaps some people who lose a loved one will want to wait weeks or months before talking about the deceased. Perhaps some people won't want to talk about the deceased at all. People deal with grief in different ways. I think it's wrong that society forces many of use to spend an afternoon in a room with our loved one's corpse just a day or so after our loved one dies. Not everybody finds that particularly comforting.

So yeah, no funeral for me on Monday, and I'm not really happy about having to go to the wake tomorrow. Sure, I'll go, but it's an hour-and-a-half drive each way, and I was really looking forward to spending a relaxing Sunday afternoon with kids this weekend. Work is really wearing me out and I really needed that mental break ( and physical break - I think I'm coming down with a cold ).

Yeah, I'm definitely donating my body to science - I don't want to put anyone else through this crap.

Rich