Sochi? So what!

Oh Winter Olympics, how I tire of you!

Back when I was kid, I loved the Winter Olympics, but it's been a long time since it's excited me.

There are two reasons for this:

1) Way too much figure skating coverage.
2) Too much X-games crap.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mind figure skating.  I watched all the Olympics figure skating in the 80's.  However, back then, it was just on for a few hours a night for a couple of nights during the Olympics.  Now it seems like it's on all the time.  4 years ago, NBC spent hours showing a post-competition figure skating exhibition rather than real Olympics events.  I understand why NBC is doing this.  I understand that figure skating gets big ratings, but it's all a little bit much for me.

I know my complaint about the X-games stuff might make me seem like an old-fogey, but I've never been a big fan of sports with subjective judging ( I get more than enough of that from figure skating )  and there's nothing more subjective about deciding who flipped around on a snowboard with the most style.  I also can't help but get the impression that the competitors care too much about style at the expense of substance.  All the snowboards seem to wear coats with hoodies, and air-catching hoodies are the last thing I would want to wear while I was flying through the air and flipping around.  I'll also never forget how Lindsey Jacobellis blew the gold medal in 2006 by being a hot dog at the end of the race:



However, the biggest reason the X-games stuff bothers me, is that I believe these events have been added deliberately to boost the medal totals for the USA ( The USA invented most of these winter X-games sports, so we are clearly going to do well in them ).  Gold medals for the USA means higher TV rating in the USA which means more money for everybody associated with the Olympics.  I guess you can't blame people for trying to make more money, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.  I'm a purist when it comes to most sports, and just as I don't like all the extra rounds of revenue-generating baseball playoffs, I don't like the traditional sports of the Winter Olympic being overshadowed just so bigwigs associated with the Olympics can line their pockets.

In any case, I have a solution for all this.  I found a way to put the traditional Winter sports back in the spotlight in a way that will make for engaging TV.

You've heard of the decathlon; you've heard of the heptathlon; you may have even heard of the Winter Olympics sport biathlon - well, forget all that!  I've got something that tops all that - introducing ....

THE SNOWATHLON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The snowathlon will consist of 6 traditional Winter Olympics events.  It will take place over 6 days, and the winner will be crowned "The Greatest Winter Athlete in the World."

Much like the decathlon and heptathlon, competitors in the snowathlon will amass points in each event  depending on how well they do, and the points will be combined into a total snowathlon score.  The schedule of events will be as follows:

Day 1 : Figure Skating

That's right, figure skating.  We want to get TV viewers invested in the snowathlon contestants as early as possible, and what better sport to start with than the most popular Winter Olympics sport?  Besides, as you'll see from the events below,  snowathlon competitors will need to compete in all sorts of macho events.  There will be few things more entertaining that watching the macho male snowathlon competitors try to be graceful om the ice ( Think Emmitt Smith on "Dancing with the Stars", but on ice ).

Day 2: Speed Skating - 500 meter race

Much like the 100 meter dash in the decathalon, this sprint will test the explosive power of the competitors.

Day 3: Luge

Who doesn't like Luge?  Who wouldn't be thrilled to watch relatively inexperience lugers risk life-and-limb on the Luge track?

Day 4: Alpine Skiing - Downhill Race

Another exciting popular sport with just enough danger to keep you on the edge of your seat.

Day 5: Ski Jump

... AND ... we've managed bump up the danger factor another notch!  Just imagine surviving the Luge and the Downhill, only to have to tackle the Ski Jump the next day.

Day 6: Cross Country Skiing - 15 K race

I know that cross country skiing doesn't seem that exciting ( because it's not! ), but don't worry, I've found a way to bump up the drama.

I love the decathlon, but one of my biggest problems with it is that the final event is often anti-climactic.  The decathlon ends with a 1500 meter race - a race that most decathlon winners are not very good at.  The 1500 meter race is the only decathlon event that tests endurance, so elite decathletes with great speed and strength often enter the last event with a significant lead over the decathletes who excel at the 1500 meters.  So, it's not uncommon for the decathlon winner to finish half a lap behind the winner of the 1500 meter event.  It just doesn't seem right for the decathlon winner to finish in the back of the pack in the last event.

The snowathlon will have no such problems, because the 15 K cross country skiing race will feature a staggered start.  Whoever leads in the point standings after 5 events will get to start the race first.  All other competitors will start the race later, depending on how many points they are behind the leader.  Once all competitors have started the race, the points no longer matter.  The person who crosses the finish line first will be the winner of the snowcathlon ( Yes, I stole the idea from "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" - so sue me! ( Unless you happen to be J. K. Rowling - in that case, please don't sue me! )).  

Just imagine how exciting this could be.  The point leader after 5 events might be a poor cross-country skier.  He ( or she - I want there to be a men's and women's snowcathlon ) is given a huge head start, but the rest of the field starts to gain on him rapidly as soon as they hit the course.  The leader struggles as the race wears on - he keeps looking over his shoulders.  He's so close to the finish line that he can practically feel the gold medal around he neck, but as you look at his face, you can tell he's close to passing out.  Meanwhile, the guys in second is moving like a freight-train.  You can almost feel his rapid breathes coming out of the TV screen.  Forget passing out - this guy's heart might explode!  It's only a matter of time before he catches the leader, but will he have enough time?

Yes, SNOWATHLON!  Hey, Winter Olympics, if you want me back, you gotta give me some SNOWATHLON!  I know it's a crazy idea, but as the old saying goes, "It's so crazy, that it just might work!"

Rich