October in the USA is generally a good time to talk about scary monsters. Most years, these monsters are just part of the Halloween fun, but this year, a different category of monsters has been in the spotlight. These monsters have existed throughout all of human history, but only recently have we paid enough attention to them. These monsters aren't goblins, ghosts, and ghouls, but instead go by names like Weinstein, Toback, and Halperin. As scary as these monsters are, what's even more scary is the realization that so many more of these monsters are still lurking in the shadows.
While it's horrible that these men did such horrible things to women, it's great that so many of their victims have decided to speak out, and that millions of other woman have joined them in the #MeToo social media campaign. Sexual harassment is a gigantic pervasive problem in our world, and I don't think it is going to get any better unless more people are willing to accept how gigantic and pervasive this problem is.
Let me be clear; when I say "more people" need to accept how big the problem is, I'm almost exclusively talking about men. It's clear from the #MeToo campaign and the stories women have told me, that the vast majority of women understand how big the problem is ( unfortunately, the majority of woman understand this on personal level ).
From what I've seen on social media, a large percentage of men don't believe that sexual harassment is a big problem. Rather than trying to do anything constructive to deal with the problem of sexual harassment, a lot of men defensively make the "Not all men" argument.
Well, I'm here to tell you that it is all men. I'm not saying that all men sexually harass women or even that all men have the potential to harass women. What I am saying is that all men have a monster inside them - a monster that each man needs to acknowledge and manage in order to keep himself from turning into the kind of a man who could sexually harass women.
There is no doubt in my mind that the monster is inside of me, and you'd have no doubt too if you could read my mind. On a purely rational and and intellectual level, I'm against the objectification of women and understand how it damages the lives of women, but my libido doesn't agree. My libido objectifies women all the time - every day, multiple times a day. My libido has never filled my head with thoughts of sexual assault, sexual harassment, or anything non-consensual, but I've objectified women in my head in every other way imaginable. I'm confessing this not because I'm proud of this, or because I'm going to enjoy the blowback and judgement that might be coming my way, but because I feel it needs to be said - not just by me, but by all men.
I have no way to know what's in the minds of other men, but I'm almost certain that all men have the same type of monster inside them that I have. I believe this partly because I've heard my share of "locker room talk" in my life, and mostly because I believe natural selection makes it inevitable.
I'm certainly no evolutionary biologist ( so feel free to correct me if you think I'm way off base here ), but I do understand and believe in the basic principals of natural selection, and I believe that millions of years of natural selection has shaped the kinds of people we are today.
From the time our human ancestors first started walking upright, millions of years passed before anything close to a civilization emerged. The vast majority of human evolution occurred in those millions of years before civilization developed.
During those millions of years there obviously wasn't any birth control and there wasn't any widespread cultural expectation of monogamy ( There were certainly couples that were monogamous and I'm sure there were some human tribes that prized monogamy, but without civilization, there could not have been widespread cultural expectations of monogamy. ( because there would not have been much of a culture) ). In the pre-civilization, pre-birth control years, it seems like common sense to me that the men genetically predisposed to be promiscuous would impregnate more women than men genetically predisposed to be monogamous. So, if we assume that some of the genes that might make a man more promiscuous are on the Y chromosome, it follows that the genes of the Y chromosome that lead to promiscuity would become more common in men over time, because the promiscuous men would have more offspring.
In any case, all my theory is really asserting is that men are genetically predisposed to be horny. Whether are not you agree with the way I came to this conclusion, I think we can all agree that I'm not breaking any ground by asserting that nearly all men tend to by horny ( BTW, if I'm not already completely out of my depth by proposing a natural selection theory of libido, I'd be even more out of my depth if I tried to figure out if my theory applies to gay and bisexual men as much straight men. I do believe that both libido and sexual orientation are strongly influence by genetics, but I'm not even going to try to theorize how all those genes would interact. ).
Of course, being horny isn't a bad thing in of itself. It is bad if it leads to deception and emotional pain, but I think open promiscuous relationships and polyamorous relationships are perfectly fine.
So, while I think men's libido is part of the "monster" within all men, I don't think it is what makes "the monster" so monstrous.
The real "monster" is the male tendency towards sexual violence and sexual intimidation. Not everyone will want to hear this, and I'm sure many of you reading this will disagree with me, but I believe the genes associated with sexual violence are baked into every man's DNA. I'm almost afraid to say this, because it is such a horrible image to evoke, but it seems to me that in the millions of years of human evolution that preceded birth control, the men who were genetically predisposed to rape and sexually intimidate woman would have impregnated more women than men who treated woman with kindness and respect.
In short, I'm saying that the "monster" lurking in every man is his genetic code, a genetic code passed down from a pool of ancestors who almost certainly included men genetically predisposed to commit acts of sexual violence.
Let me make it clear that I'm not making this argument about natural selection and sexual violence to suggest in any way that the evil men who commit these acts of sexual violence are somehow not responsible for their own horrifying actions. On the contrary, I'm trying to make the argument that men need to be far more responsible ( for themselves and for other men ) than they've ever been on the past. I'm making the argument that there is a monster in every man, because I want every man to be wary of that monster. I want to make sure every man understand that it is his responsibility that this monster does no harm.
Back in the 70's there was a television show called "The Incredible Hulk", based on the Marvel comic of the same name. After spending hours thinking about the "monster" inside of each man, I couldn't help but think of Dr. Bruce Banner and the intro to the TV show ( Note: The TV show called him Dr. David Banner for some reason. For the sake of clarity, I'll just call him "Dr. Banner" going forward. ):
Dr. Banner has a monster inside him, a monster he can't completely control. At times, this violent monster has complete control, and Dr. Banner cannot do anything about it.
And, yet, as violent and dangerous as this monster is, the monster never kills anyone. The TV show always made a point of explaining that the monster could never kill anyone, because Dr. Banner would never kill anyone. Even when the monster was in complete control of Dr. Banner's life, the monster would never commit evil acts, because Dr. Banner was an essentially good person.
Well, I think the same thing applies to the monster that is in every man. If a man is essentially good inside, the monster inside him will do no harm. The monster might express itself as extremely powerful libido, but as long as the man has the right positive traits, that monster will do no harm.
Unfortunately, as the #MeToo campaign has illustrated, far too few men have developed the positive personality traits to keep the monster at bay. I afraid that some men are just lost causes and will never change, but I hope that more men can lean to live their lives based on principles like the ones below:
1) Be good to people.
2) Don't hurt anyone ( physically or emotionally )
3) Consider the feeling of others.
4) Develop your empathy enough that you can imagine the feeling of others.
5) Don't be an asshole.
Principals like these were drilled into me as a child by my parents, so they are second nature to me now. Any parents with sons should focus on teaching their sons principles like the ones above to make sure the next generation of men are much better than all the previous generations of men.
I know this blog post has been far than my most optimistic one. After all I've said that all men have monster inside them, and that these monsters can do horrible things. I've indicated that we need to create a world in which men are better people, but I haven't offered any practical solutions for how we can get there. Still, I think a good first step to making things better it for men to admit that have a problem, and that they need to do something about it. Nothing is ever going to get better if men stick their heads in the sand and say "Not all men". All of us who are men need to understand the horrible things men are capable of, and more importantly, what we are capable, even if we've never had a sexually violent thought in our lives. Much like Dr. Banner, we need to be vigilant "until we can find a way to control the raging spirit than dwells within us".
< queue sad exit music >
Rich
